Saturday, September 27, 2008

Tired

I'm tired of adoption today.

I'm tired of being the daughter you gave away, of feeling like a piece of yesterday's trash that went out on the Waste Systems truck with the rest of the rotting, stinking shit.

I'm tired of feeling like I don't matter.

I'm tired of feeling like the secret, the thing to be ashamed of, the reason for all your problems. I'm tired of being second best in EVERYTHING, both in your world and in mine, because being discarded at birth certainly does not make one feel like a stellar human being in other aspects of one's life.

I'm tired of living in a dark room with no light. Not knowing anything about myself, even after so many years of knowing you, the pieces are still not together, because you cannot find it within yourself to help me put them together. I guess that's because I was just the discarded one, you'd have to pluck me out of the stinking, rotting garbage to do that, and who wants to touch yesterday's rotting trash, right?

I'm tired of being looked at like a disease, like I must have been born to some drug addicted, street walking, slut of a woman with multiple psychoses which I almost certainly will inherit. I'm tired of the stigma of being born a bastard.

I'm tired of people thinking that being an angry adoptee is somehow a bad thing. Fucking RIGHT I am angry, and why shouldn't I be? Why shouldn't I be angry that I was tossed aside by my mother, that I am treated like shit by my government, that people look at me like a freak of nature? Why shouldn't I be angry that I can't know who I am, that I can't feel like a whole, complete human fucking being, that I just want the same goddamn rights as everybody else? Well-adjusted my ass. They can kiss my maladjusted ass until their lips bleed.

Mostly I am just tired of not being listened to. You know it's funny, you'd think that if adopted people were complaining about adoption, people might stop and say hey, something must be wrong here. But no, we are just laughed at, stomped on, made fun of, stomped on some more. All because people need to make money, and infertile or lazy women need to get babies. And they don't give a rat's ass if their little adoptee hurts like I do, or if T does, or Joy does, or any other adoptee, because as long as they get what THEY want, everything will be okay.

Fuckers.

Fuck them.

I'm tired of it.

I'm tired of adoption.

I wish adoption didn't exist.

I hate adoption and I hate being adopted.

I'm just sick of being adopted today.

3 wisecracks:

unsignedmasterpiece said...

Having a little trouble putting together this post and the one that precedes it but I will echo your feeling about adoption.

It is as you describe.

joy said...

I love you.

xoxoxoxoxo

Cristy said...

I have came across your blog. As a birthmother, I find them a litle hard to read, but I am learning Birth parents aren't the only one that suffered pain. You say you are tired of being the reason someone has had pain? My question would be if your birth mother didn't have pain, how would you feel? I am glad that your writing, because it helps me understand how adoptees might feel.
Cristy

 
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