Sigh

The collagen in my face is breaking down.

Another wrinkle has appeared, on my cheek, every time I smile it gets deeper and deeper. Good thing I don't have much to smile about these days, or I'd look like I was 80. Perhaps this is the tradeoff for not having any gray hairs yet...although I think I'd rather take the grays, at least you can color those.

I feel so stuck and I hate my life.

And when I am angry, when I am dissatisfied, I lash out at others. The thing is, I wasn't raised that way, so where does this come from? I have a huge tendency to avoid the things I don't want to deal with, the things that hurt me, the things that trouble me.

I haven't visited my parents' graves in over a year.

I KNOW where that comes from.

The same woman who avoids me, who avoids this adoption shit. And in a way, I notice that I avoid her too. Because when she says "Let's make plans" I shut down a little, and don't want to. I suddenly want to back away from it. Like, what the hell? Where is THAT coming from? When all I want in the world is to have her in my life yet when I finally get it, I drop it like a hot potato?

That's just fucked up.

So I have to try to figure this out...why do I react this way? Is it because I am afraid of a second (third) rejection? Is it a subconscious way of hurting her the way she hurt me? Am I just apathetic about the whole thing?

God all this self-analyzing is exhausting. I wonder if non-adopted people do even half the self-analysis of every waking moment as adopted people do. Why did I do that? Why did I think that? What did that mean? AAARRRRGGGGGGHHH!!!

It's time for the padded cell.

And I still can't get to that cemetery, every time I drive past it I look over at it, feeling oh so guilty, like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar, but I just haven't felt like I've had much to say. Hi mom and dad, I've been out bitching and moaning about you adopting me, how's the afterlife treatin' ya?

Yeah. Not so much to say these days. Guilt guilt guilt.

Naughty naughty.

Wait...what's that...another wrinkle? Shit. Time to grow up and act my age.

Improving

I haven't really had much to talk about lately in adopto-land, I guess I've been either taking a break or avoiding it all together, I don't know but I just haven't had a lot of inspiration as of late.

Instead, I've been focusing on me. Becoming better, becoming healthier, improving my life and my outlook. It's a long slow process and one that I don't know if I'll ever complete, but the journey is an interesting one, with some days more fruitful than others.

I think a lot of it just has to do with the time of year. I always feel refreshed and renewed in the fall, it's my time to start over, my time for second chances. I've taken up running down the gravel road and in one short month I have worked my way up to being able to hoof an entire two miles now without needing to stop and walk (well, okay, I do have to take a little break at the mile-mark but I can do one mile up the road and one mile back, running, nonstop. I am proud of this 35 year old body.)

I don't know where things are with my mom right now. I think they are good, when she does reply it is positive, but I am getting apathetic about our relationship and beginning to ask myself exactly what it is I even want. I think that the constant let-downs are beginning to wear on me and my defenses are in permanent up-mode. As much as I want her in my life, as much as I would love a close and warm relationship, I just don't see it happening. I don't know if I could ever trust her enough, if I could ever endure a long silence without that nagging fear in the back of my mind, telling me she's doing it again, she's pulling away, she's abandoning me all over again.

And I DO NOT want to subject my children to that, because as much as they deserve to have their grandmother, they do not deserve to be abandoned by her too.

But all I really know for sure is, I like to run. But it's getting cold, soon the snow will fly and I will no longer be able to hoof that gravel road. But for now I will continue to look into myself and improve, and enjoy this beautiful fall season, because no matter what happens in my reunion, I still have to be strong for myself.