Sunday, October 19, 2008

Sigh

The collagen in my face is breaking down.

Another wrinkle has appeared, on my cheek, every time I smile it gets deeper and deeper. Good thing I don't have much to smile about these days, or I'd look like I was 80. Perhaps this is the tradeoff for not having any gray hairs yet...although I think I'd rather take the grays, at least you can color those.

I feel so stuck and I hate my life.

And when I am angry, when I am dissatisfied, I lash out at others. The thing is, I wasn't raised that way, so where does this come from? I have a huge tendency to avoid the things I don't want to deal with, the things that hurt me, the things that trouble me.

I haven't visited my parents' graves in over a year.

I KNOW where that comes from.

The same woman who avoids me, who avoids this adoption shit. And in a way, I notice that I avoid her too. Because when she says "Let's make plans" I shut down a little, and don't want to. I suddenly want to back away from it. Like, what the hell? Where is THAT coming from? When all I want in the world is to have her in my life yet when I finally get it, I drop it like a hot potato?

That's just fucked up.

So I have to try to figure this out...why do I react this way? Is it because I am afraid of a second (third) rejection? Is it a subconscious way of hurting her the way she hurt me? Am I just apathetic about the whole thing?

God all this self-analyzing is exhausting. I wonder if non-adopted people do even half the self-analysis of every waking moment as adopted people do. Why did I do that? Why did I think that? What did that mean? AAARRRRGGGGGGHHH!!!

It's time for the padded cell.

And I still can't get to that cemetery, every time I drive past it I look over at it, feeling oh so guilty, like a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar, but I just haven't felt like I've had much to say. Hi mom and dad, I've been out bitching and moaning about you adopting me, how's the afterlife treatin' ya?

Yeah. Not so much to say these days. Guilt guilt guilt.

Naughty naughty.

Wait...what's that...another wrinkle? Shit. Time to grow up and act my age.

2 wisecracks:

elizabeth said...

{{{{Lillie}}}}}

xoxoxoxo

BethGo said...

I know exactly what you are talking about here.

I've got to tell you, my two meetings with Nancy Verrier have really helped me find some clarity.

Have you read her second book? It's a tough read but it's all about finding your way past the pain. Easier said than done, I know.
This is all so hard.

Anyway, I have the opposite problem from you, no wrinkles yet but tons of grey hair. Keeping them colored is a full time job.
Getting old sucks. >:/

 
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