To the Mothers

(Originally posted on Wordpress on 8/15/07)

Why is it so difficult to treat your reunited relinquished children with a little bit of respect? Why are so many of you out there hiding, denying, flat-out ignoring your reunited children?

I don’t get it. I really don’t.

I mean, yeah, maybe in the era of our births it was a big shameful thing to be pregnant and single, and maybe your families and friends and society made you feel horrible, but come on. Grow up. It’s 2007 and things like this just aren’t a big deal anymore.

And I get that maybe relinquishing your baby was hard, heartbreaking, soul-crushing (or, maybe you were fine with it or at least convinced yourself that you are in order to cope) but just stop it for one tiny second and consider the feelings of your child.

YOUR CHILD.

We may be grown-ups now, in our 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and beyond, but guess what? We never ASKED for this. We had NO CHOICE whatsoever, not even a scant dream, we were forced into this adoption bullshit and had NO SAY. You think relinquishing your child is painful? Try living your entire life without anyone in your family. Knowing in your heart that you were abandoned. Is that possible? Can you even just once quit focusing on your bullshit and just THINK ABOUT YOUR CHILD?

I’m mad. No, I’m beyond mad. I’m just sick to death of seeing my fellow adoptees being denied, rejected, turned away for a SECOND time just because we want to know you. We are not dangerous, we are not looking to destroy your life, or humiliate you or any of those things.

We all just love you and want to know the woman who is our mother.

What is SO BAD about that? What is SO WRONG with giving your child even an iota of your attention? Your, hmmm, understanding? Even if you don’t understand, could you at least try? Pretend that you do?

We were rejected at birth. That’s the worst kind of punishment one could ever inflict on a person. We grew up feeling rejected, feeling inadequate, in fear of everyone else in our lives rejecting us too. We were forced to grow up in families that lied to us, that made us pretend to be their own “bio” kids, families that never understood our own pain and expected us to be grateful for being turned over to strangers by the one woman who should love us unconditionally.

You mothers had a “before” adoption. You know what life is like without that loss.

Adoptees don’t. We will never, EVER know what it is like to not have this tremendous loss in our lives.

And some of you just keep on compounding that, ignoring your children when they come looking for you, turning them away, denying who you are, keeping them a secret still. You can’t get past your own issues to give one ounce of compassion to that child you gave away.

And I don’t want to hear the “I had no choice” argument. I know that, I understand that, but you know what?

NEITHER DID WE.