Loyalties

I was reading a post over on the forum today and something one of our members said really struck a chord with me.

...I wish all the people who've told me how lucky I am to be adopted and how wonderful it is, could have felt the confusion and sickness I felt after all that. I constantly feel, and I am sure all adopees get this, that I'm being dragged from one loyalty to another.

God this is SO TRUE. The loyalty thing! Adoptees are pushed and pulled in different directions all the time by our families, our friends, by complete strangers who think they have the right to dictate our lives to us. And to not even realize what they are doing, while telling us to be grateful for having people such as themselves pushing us around. It's insane-making. On one hand, you have the obvious pro-adoption camp who think that adoptees should "get over" their biological family and be happy/grateful/thankful/glad we have this super duper awesome forever family who so graciously let us sleep under their roof and tossed us some food from time to time. And then you have the seriously anti-adoption nuts who will tell you that your adoptive parents are nothing more than child abductors and any "love" I think I feel for them is simply Stockholm Syndrome and they are only merely fond of me as well. (Yes, I have actually heard those words from someone). And then there's the rest of society - people who are well-meaning usually, maybe they have no real connection with adoption so they don't know what to think, or maybe they know someone who knows someone who is adopted and they feel this way or that, so of course all adoptees should. And last but not least, you have your families, adoptive and, if in reunion/open adoption, your biological families. And I count my friends in here too, because they are close to me and are part of my "inner circle" so to speak. Everyone has an opinion on where my loyalties should lie. EVERYONE. And almost everyone feels they have the right to TELL me where my loyalties lie. What is it about loyalty anyway? I mean, why is it that society has this idea that adoptive parents are like a lover who is being cheated on if the adoptee decides to see where she came from? What's with this notion that because they raised me, I can't form friendships and relationships with people other than them? Oh wait...I can, just not anyone who might share my DNA. Because THAT would be "disloyal." I can call my mother-in-law Mom, but if I called my n-mother Mom? THAT would be a betrayal. And most people have no qualms whatsoever about telling me so, and making me feel like shit in the process. Because my own feelings and needs don't matter, apparently. And then to top it off by telling me how awesome it must be to feel this way. Do people listen to themselves? I don't think so. I don't think they even think about what is about to come out of their mouth most of the time. And damn this is turning into another anti-adoptive parent thing isn't it? LOL no, no, I don't hate my adoptive parents. Nothing could be further from the truth. And if they were alive today? I don't think they'd be the least bit bothered by my reunion and subsequent relationships with my biological family. At least I like to think they wouldn't, because they were pretty awesome people, and never once made me feel like I should be grateful for my adoption. They never used any of the tired old cliche's about adoption, and I'm so thankful for that. And you know, they ARE my parents. I DO feel a loyalty to them. But that doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't also have a space for the people who are my family by birth. What is so dangerous, or disloyal, about having more people in my life who love me? Do people tell their friends, they can't make more friends because the old friends will feel betrayed? I've never heard of that happening. But it's kind of par for the course in adopto-land. And it's funny, because when it comes to my biological vs. adoptive siblings, the sentiments don't seem to apply. Nobody thinks my adoptive brothers will feel betrayed if I list my biological brother as such on my FB family list. Nobody tells me I shouldn't talk to him because my brothers were the ones beating me up my entire childhood, not him. Nobody seems to care, they actually think it's pretty cool. But the parents loyalty thing is what's huge. And it's not like I can suddenly go back and be re-raised by my b-mom...it's not like my entire lifetime of memories is going to be wiped clean and I'll forget my a-parents ever existed. Yet people think adoptees must choose one or the other, pick sides, be loyal. I'll tell you what...I'll be loyal to those who show me love and respect and EARN my loyalty. And I - me, myself and I alone, will decide who that its. I don't tell anyone else who they should be loyal to...but for some reason, adoptee loyalty is open season. Sickening.

Why do I do this?

I've had an ex boyfriend on my mind for a long, long time now. Well, not just an ex but my first ex, he was my first everything. But he's not on my mind in a way that most people would think; I've been thinking of his lost sister.

Every time a new female member, around the age of 43-46, joins the forum I get a little twinge of excitement. Is this her? Is this the girl his parents gave up before they were married? I have this dream of finding her and reuniting her with the family. A great family, and one that misses her very much.

But why? Why do I care so much? It's been over 20 years since I dated D, and I left him pretty devastated when I broke it off. His parents were, no are, awesome. I miss his mom even to this day, she was just the coolest person I ever met. And she misses her daughter soooooo much. I bring it up to her from time to time, when we happen to bump into one another; I ask if she's started looking yet, offer to help with all my adoptee stalker super powers, and every time the tears start welling up in her eyes. She feels like it's not her place.

So I dream of finding this woman. Hell I wish I WAS her (although, that would be kinda gross because then I would have lost my virginity to my brother) but that is one family that I know would not get all weird on her if they ever do find one another. D would not flake out on her like my nmom did to me; her little brothers would not get all jealous or toddlerish or freakish. They all know she's out there and would love to have her back in the family someday.

So, any adopted women out there, in their early to mid 40's, born in South (or was it North??) Dakota, make yourselves known. Your nparents got married, had 3 more children (all boys, your brothers!), and are still together to this day. Your brothers all have this fantastic wit and sense of humor (the one thing I miss most about D, the humor he found in such random things), they are down to earth and normal, and miss you very much.

Even if I play no part in it, I would love to see this happen. I know it's not even remotely my place, but I feel I at least owe it to D for breaking his heart, and to his mom for just being the mom I always wished I could have.

Family Envy

We took the kids to Chuck E. Cheese this weekend. No particular reason, we just haven't been there in ages and the kids love it. And it's nice to just be able to sit back while the kids can run wild, and just be kids for a while.

While we were sitting there, among the hundreds of other parents & families and kids running wild, a family was seated next to us. They were celebrating a birthday for one of the kids, and I found myself completely and totally crushing on this group of people.

I mean, they could have stepped right out of some feel-good family oriented television show, maybe even a sit-com, they were just that perfect. Now I can't be sure of how they were all related but it looked like Grandma was there, three women who were probably her daughters, and a plethora of kids. And the adults were all totally into the kids, everyone was holding the littlest ones, everyone was completely involved in these children, and you couldn't even tell whose kids were whose because everyone expended the same amount of love and attention to them. And there were probably about 10 of them, from the ages of about 1 to probably early teens.

And I just couldn't take my eyes off them. I found myself wishing I could be in that family, that these women could be my sister or aunt, that I could love and be loved the way all those kids were.

It made me sad for what I have lost - my n-family, who are exactly like this, I could have and SHOULD have been raised in this type of close family; and for the adoptive family I was raised in who never gave a hug, never cared about family, who only saw each other at weddings or funerals and even then it was strained, you could tell nobody gave a crap about anybody else.

I'm glad there are families like this out there. I wish more families WERE like this. And I bet, that if one of those ladies had gotten pregnant at 15 or 18 or under any less than favorable circumstance, that that particular family would never, ever let that baby go. Adoption would NEVER be an option.

I guess that's where my n-family got it wrong.

Family? What family?

Have you ever looked at pictures of your family and had the painful realization that you will never BE a part of that family?

Sometimes I just want to un-friend all my n-family members from facebook. They are such a close, happy family who truly enjoy each others company and are always getting together. They are involved in each others lives. And they like to post pictures, which I love to see, but at the same time, it's like a huge kick in the gut.

I never had that with my adoptive family. They all pretty much hated each other, and the ones who didn't hate one another, well, just had a sort of mild tolerance for each other. So needless to say, I saw my 1st cousins about 6 times in my life, usually at a funeral or a wedding. There are countless 2nd- and beyond type cousins and extended family that I have NEVER met. And never will. Well, not that they even consider me a part of this family either, because being adopted I am not blood and therefore subject to suspicion.

I should have been raised with the people who are like me. I needed that. Still do! All I have now are my kids, my in-laws, and two a-brothers who could care less if I was alive. Well okay to be fair, I suppose they'd care if I died, but the simple fact that I am living is enough for them.

And I am really giving up on all my grand illusions about my mother. Perhaps the last of the fog is slipping away, or perhaps I'm moving through the next "stage" so to speak. The ONE person who should care about me and my well-being, the ONE person who is supposed to love you, obviously could care less. She has been abandoning me over and over, and I have let her. Why do I keep setting myself up for this pain and frustration?

I could never do that to my kids. But then again I would never abandon my children to adoption in the first place. No way, no how, you'd have to pry them from my stiff dead arms. And then I'd come back and haunt the adopters.

I guess I'll leave my mother to her beloved anal jerk of a husband, that is where her happiness truly lies, and try to find some sort of contentment. But I really just wish adoption had never happened to me. Oh what it would be like to be normal.

Nmom's letter and WTF

This has been a strange weekend. Bot the kids were sick, I mean really really puking in a bucket all night and day sick, and it ended up being strep. WTF?

But anyway. I stayed home with them on Monday and while they were watching Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs over and over and over, I got myself down and busy cleaning. Cleaning out the mud room, cleaning out the desk, going through piles of old papers and letters and finally pitching some shit that needed to go. Ahhhh that feels so good, now I have room to stash more shit.

In the midst of my cleaning and pitching, I cam across a letter that I thought had been lost. It was the letter my mother wrote to me right after the social wrecker contacted her to let her know I was searching for her.

I haven't opened it up until this morning.

One thing really stands out to me, in the very first paragraph...

...All of the mixed emotions that I had made the decision of adopting you out very difficult. I had to think beyond the love I had for you and concentrate on your future life. The adoption agency counseled me as I had many questions regarding adoption. I and your father then made our decision that this was the right thing to do....

The Agency counseled her, all right. For almost 4 months, while I was hidden away in some foster home, probably being ignored and drugged up on phenobarbitol, the agency "counseled" her. And of course, with me being out of sight, out of mind and the undoubtedly constant pressure on her to "do the right thing" I became another statistic. Another boost to their profit margin.

I feel like swearing.

And to this day she holds on to the belief that she did the right thing, even in not naming me because she "felt that she would be giving my aparents a great gift by letting them be the ones to name me." Guess she wasn't told about sealed records and amended birth certificates, because they would have just renamed me anyway.

And I wonder what my foster carers called me for almost 4 months. I mean, jesus, the had to call me something.

This is all just completely fucked up. My foundations are of abandonment, isolation, neglect. No wonder I have felt like such an outcast all my life.

But on a happier note, my nbro has joined FB, I am so happy. Now maybe we can finally "talk" more and start a decent, real relationship. We have missed out on so much of each others lives, I don't want to waste any more time.

"Find my Family" on ABC

Haven't seen the show yet, but I hear it's already making quite a buzz. And has a few APes twisting their panties.

I had to check out their message board after I heard from a friend of mine that a particluar adopter sent ABC a scathing letter, bemoaning the havoc and destruction that this show will cause on innocent adoptive families everywhere. Ohhh, the horror, what if some young, impressionable adoptee sees this show and gets a wild idea in their head that biology matters??? The horror.

Here is the letter that this APe posted:

Shame on you ABC! Shame on you for your latest quest for ratings at any cost: Find My Family. The show’s claim to be “bringing families back together” undermines the essence of what a family is. For an adoptive family, this assumption shreds away at our children’s security; a security we have carefully nurtured all of their lives...

Ummm...really, the children's security or your own?

It is a dangerous despicable concept that benefits a few at the risk of traumatizing the many.

Traumatizing the many entitled APes, you mean...

Adoptive families are not temporary custodians of a child until they are “found” by their “family”. The host actually said, “I believe that every adopted person’s dream is to be found”. That is pretty presumptuous and insulting.

Actually, it is pretty accurate and dead-on. How many adoptees has this nitwit actually talked to in her life, I wonder?

Are you suggesting that they are lost?

Does one really have to state the obvious?

Adult adoptees and biological relatives can find each other, if they so choose, through confidential and private means. This should certainly be supported if initiated and requested by both adults parties. If the makers of this show truly had that as the intention, then start a web site and/or organization to assist them if need be.

Um, hello dingbat, there ARE multitudes of reunion registries, message boards, seach angels, private investigators, etc. etc. that do just this. The problem is, it DOES NOT WORK. Ever hear of sealed records? What if one or the other is deceased; can they give their consent from the grave? What if one or the other doesn't know about reunion registries or use the internet or has the funds to pay an expensive search just to let a 3rd-party (with no real desire to see two people reunite) handle all of this oh-so-personal communication?

Adoption is a very difficult personal and private mutual decision made by the biological and adoptive parents in the best interest of a human being; a child.

But we don't stay children forever. Eventually we DO grow up and we DO have a right to our opinion on this "mutual decision" in which we had NO SAY.

Adoption is forever.

Unfortunately you're right. An adopted person has no recourse whatsoever if they should, upon adulthood (or even before) decide that they want no part of their adoptive family. We are forced into this familial relationship, a contract is signed FOR us when we are minors, and there is no opt-out clause.

There are laws wisely ensuring confidentiality to protect the children and their families.

The ONLY reason these confidentiality laws came into place was to "protect" the APes from the shame of infertility. And supposedly to "protect" the adoptee from the "stain of illegitimacy." It's the 21st century, we don't really care who's a bastard any more. Methinks you just want "protection" from losing money on your investment.

The first episode assisted a couple in locating their biological daughter. What would you have done if that woman’s parents hadn’t told her she was adopted?

And what kind of heartless, irresponsible, greedy people would not give a child..."their" child...her truth? Would YOU want to have a life-altering secret kept from you all our life?

She had not sought to find her birthparents. What if she wasn’t ready, or interested, or was upset by your intrusive behavior?

Or what if she was wanting to be found by her n-parents instead? What if she was afraid to search? What if she had greedy, needy, entitled APes such as yourself who would slap her down at the mere mention of curiosity about her biology?

If someone asks you to locate their birth parents, what would you do if you discovered painful facts regarding a person’s birth? Like incest? Or rape? Or drug use? What if the biological parent were a mass murderer? Would you tell them? Would you put that on the air? Do you play God and decide who/what you reveal to whom?

Whatever the "truth" is, it is that adopted person's truth. Period. And they are entitled to it, to know the truth of their origins, just like every other non-adopted person. We adoptees are not fragile little pieces of glass, we are actually quite sturdy, and allowing us to know and work through OUR truth is only going to make us stronger and healthier in the end.

I can deal with and process what I KNOW much better than what I DON'T know.

What if the person you find did not want to be found?

They have every right to not have any contact with each other. That's the beauty of this country, we are free to associate with whomever we choose. They can always just say no.

What gives you the right to surprise someone and omnisciently call it your “mission” to bring “families” back together?

What gives YOU the right to speak for adoptees or n-parents?

Maybe some stones are better left unturned.

And maybe you should dig a little deeper and figure out just WHY you are having such a strong reaction to something that is quite obviously highly important to millions of family members separated by adoption.

The manipulation and abuse of these people continue...

I think separating babies from their mothers is manipulation and abuse, personally.

In the show, they need to “reunite” and they hug under a proverbial “family tree”. In the first episode the young woman’s biological parents were currently an intact family unit; along with the look-alike biological siblings (Was this a set up? They had the same haircut and exactly the same highlights?). In reality this fairytale story is far from typical.

And again, how would you know? That's my "truth"...married n-parents, full sibling, the whole shebang. In fact I know of a few other adoptees who discovered their "truth" and found the exact same thing. The hypothetical "drug abusing birth mother" is actually what is far from typical. MOST n-moms (and dads) are decent, upright, successful human beings who just found themselves without the support and encouragement to raise their much-loved baby.

This is just another exploitive ploy in the hopes of increasing ratings and sponsorship. I suggest that American’s are savvier than that.. I look forward to ABC doing the responsible thing and taking Finding My Family off the air.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but this is just the beginning. I hope Americans will finally come to realize just how much damage adoption and it's secrecy and lies does to adoptees and their n-families. And I hope you do us a favor and take yourself and your hideous comments off the internet.

A little recap

So, I met up with nmom a few days ago.

All I can say is...wow. It went SO well, we were both SO at ease, and we did a lot of talking. A LOT. I can feel myself being more and more able to open up to her, and vice versa. I don't think we have ever actually been truly just one on one before, so that probably plays a huge role, but...

I was a little newborn infant once. Did you know that? I didn't, well ok I did but I never really felt it or could identify with the newborn me, until after Wednesday night. She told me about the day I was born, how they had to interrupt a parade (yes I am a real show stopper!) and then they took her to the wrong hospital, so she made them take me to the one she wanted to deliver me at.

She told me she never forgot my first cry and how she breathed a huge sigh of relief. And I was such a small baby, and so beautiful, and my dad's father came down there the very next day to see me.

I was NOT unwanted. I WAS loved.

This alone is enough to really help me connect to my birth. I feel so much more real now, so much more, I don't know, valid? More than I ever have in my life.

Another thing that really struck me is the importance that she is putting on me getting my OBC. She had NO idea that it was sealed and unavailable to me, none whatsoever. I even alluded to the forum and the Adoptee Rights work that so many of my fellow adoptees are doing to unseal our records, and she seemed genuinely on board with that. So in a couple weeks I am going to meet her, she is going to accompany me to the courthouse and sign whatever document she needs to sign, and then she is going to let me take her to Ikea. :) She wants to spend the whole day together, just the two of us, doing the things that real moms and daughters do. I can't wait.

There is more, but I need to process a little further.

Seeing mom

I am excited, I will be seeing my mother in two days. Nothing spectacular, just meeting up for dinner, but it's something.

Usually our emails are sporadic...well, I will email her pretty consistently and jump to reply to anything she sends to me, but coming from her, it takes days and days to reply if I get one at all. So when I asked her if she was busy on this particular night, I was quite shocked to get an instant reply. And not one but many as we planned the evening.

I had been trying to get in touch with my brother too, and she gave me his phone number. I hope he can make it, I haven't seen him in so long.

I've been debating back and forth with myself if I should share my blog or even possibly the forum with him. A big part of me thinks that he would be very receptive to this, that he would in some way understand, and that it would help solidify our relationship and bring us closer. We don't talk directly all that often but, I don't know, maybe by just being able to read what I say at his convenience, it would help. But then again there's that small adopted side of me that says "Don't do it!! He'll reject you for sure!!" I hate that part of me.

So wish us luck, I hope the evening goes well. I doubt any serious, deep discussion will happen, but it's a tiny step forward in this all but stalled relationship.

Deal with it

I was linked recently to an adoptive parent's blog, I don't have the address handy (okay, okay, I'm just too lazy to go get it and I really don't want to create some inter-blog posting/commenting thing anyway) where the purpose of her blog, from what I can gather, was to help other adoptive parents deal with their adoptees' issues of separation, grief, loss, etc.

Well that's cool, I'm pretty down with that.

But what I hope that this parent, and the readers of that blog and all the adoptive parents out there realize, is that how I, and every adoptee "deals" with our adoptee issues is not a consistent thing. There are variables...depending on the adoptee's age (I don't think most people can truly even grasp the magnitude of what being adopted even IS until you've reached some level of maturity, say, at least into your teens); to your mood, the events that have shaped your life thus far, etc. and so on and so forth.

The post that this AP took to her blog was just a snapshot of my feelings that I happened to write about on a particular day. I was feeling a little tired of the overall societal view against adoptees reuniting, particularly my own good friend thinking it is so inappropriate, simply because, why, I am adopted? So I shouldn't miss the woman who gave birth to me, who I did bond with in utero, who I did LOSE and therefore have a right to miss and want some part of her in my life?

But at the same time, some days, I am quite surprisingly normal. Some days, I don't think about it. I don't miss her, I don't care if I talk to her ever again, or see her, or ever hear her voice. Some days, I could care less. Other days, not so much. There are days when it's all I can do to get out of bed.

But the important thing is that those days happen...in between the good days, when I seem to be not affected, when I seem to be the "normal, happy adoptee" that everyone likes to see and everyone is most comfortable with, sometimes it is there. Sometimes, I do get mad that I was abandoned, that I was given away, that I feel second-best and inadequate and like a huge failure as a human being because my own mother didn't want me.

It doesn't have to be there EVERY DAY to mean that it ISN'T THERE. I don't have to talk about it verbally or openly for it to mean that it ISN'T THERE. And, I NEVER would have told my adoptive parents, because, OMG that would have hurt her, crushed her, that would have shaken the very foundations on which our relationship was built (not that this is probably true, but as an adoptee? The LAST thing you want to do is hurt your aparents, because if your own mother could abandon you, what's to stop them from doing it too?)

But really, I didn't even begin to explore or even acknowledge a lot of these feelings until I was well into my 20's, after reunion, after I had children of my own. As a child, I was pretty satisfied with the whole "She gave you up because she couldn't take care of you" and "she was just too young and she loved you so much she wanted you to have a good life" kind of blah blah blah. But as I got older, and ESP. after having my own babies, I just realized, how could anyone give away your own child?

How?

So, just in case anyone from that other blog ventures here and reads beyond the one post, I hope you take this to heart. If your little one doesn't seem too affected now, don't take it as a sign he or she will never be. If he or she doesn't talk about it, don't think it may not be there. Adoptees are masters at hiding our true feelings, we are pros at stuffing and masking and burying this stuff.

But don't take it from me.

I'm just one adoptee who's been doing this stuff for the last 35 years.

Step it up, mom

First I want to apologize to my readers.

I closed my blog temporarily because I was not blogging, and didn't want any ambush comments from freaky weirdos popping up while I was not around.

But, I am back for now, hopefully I will be able to get around to writing more.

But I want to talk about first mothers.

Specifically, reunion and first mothers.

There is some debate out there about who's responsible for what when it comes to keeping the relationship going; adoptees should be more considerate of their mothers, mothers should be more considerate of their children, it goes on and on. Both sides want the validation we seek and deserve.

But I want to talk about MY mother.

We reunited in 1996. I found her, well I paid the agency to find her, so I initiated the reunion. It went well at first, then into the first year she cut all contact with me.

Called me up and just like that, told me she didn't have time for me in her life.

So, being the good little respectful adoptee, I obliged, and let her ignore me for the next decade. For over ten years I put up with this bullshit. And that's what it is...it is BULLSHIT.

She was hiding, avoiding her feelings, avoiding her guilt, avoiding her shame. Avoiding ME so she didn't have to deal with it.

And where did that leave me...abandoned as an infant, abandoned again as an adult, while she played the victim? Now tell me, as an adoptee, how much of this do I really have to put up with? I think ten years is enough. And after a teeny tiny semi-re-reunion this year, she is back to ignoring me yet again.

Enough.

Sorry, mother, but I am tired of being left with the emotional fallout for your inability to deal with the adoption. This was YOUR doing. Did I walk out of your vagina as an infant and put MYSELF up for adoption? I don't think so.

Grow up and take some goddamn responsibility. You could start by apologizing, a simple, "I'm sorry adoption has hurt you so much" would be nice, even if you thought it was the right thing to do back then, it has hurt ME and your actions since reunion have hurt ME.

If I bump into someone with my grocery cart, even though I didn't intend to hurt them, I at least say, "Oops I'm sorry," why can't our mothers apologize to us for the pain they caused us by giving us away?

Adoption Sucks and I am Afraid of My Own Mother

I spent the better part of Tuesday writing, deleting, and rewriting the same damn email to my mother.

All I really want is to see her; but do you think I can bring myself to ask for that?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Riiiiiiiigggggggght.

I am an adoptee who is afraid of her own mother. Is that not the most pathetic, moronic, idiotic thing you've read in the adoption-blog land? I think it probably has to be, for me, and I am a bit ashamed of myself for even writing it.

It is so hard for me to even send her a simple email to say, Hey Ma, what are you doing for the 4th? Are you going to be around? Can we maybe get together, do lunch, take the kids to the zoo?

For most normal people, this would be second nature, they wouldn't even put any thought into typing the words and hitting send (or picking up the phone and asking) but for me, this is an agonizing process, sometimes taking WEEKS to compose the words, figuring out how to not make them sound too needy, or demanding, or if I'm asking too much of her too soon.

I obsess over this and go through our past emails and figure out who emailed who last, and how long ago, because I don't want to do too much, I do not want to rush things this time around. I over-analyze and calculate and when all is set and ready and looking just-so, I delete it.

I am so full of self-doubt and fear that this relationship could crumble that I sit back and do nothing. I am frozen. I don't trust myself, I don't trust HER, I don't trust this relationship.

And really, why should I? She walked away from me not once, but twice. The very first birthday we had together, the original one, I was left all alone in a sterile hospital, crying for my mother.

The next birthday we had together 24 years later, she left me again, calling me on the phone to tell me she doesn't have time for me in her life.

She tells me she loves me, but I have a hard time believing it. I just don't buy it. I WANT to believe it, I WANT to feel those words and know that what she says is true, but some part of me just doubts it to my core.

I don't trust her, and I don't trust us.

Not yet.

And with birthday number 35 coming up, will the cycle continue?

I want to ask her if we can spend some time together on or around that day. But that scares me more than anything. Will she turn me down? Walk away from me again? I think just being turned down will be more painful than not doing anything and sitting here longing for her.

And, god, I am all grown up and still longing for my mother like a little kid.

How screwed up is that.

Adoption sucks, and I am afraid of my mother. Afraid of losing her, again, for the third time. Because if it happens again, there will be no more chances, of that I am sure.

Would you Spy?

If you could spy on an adoptee, would you?

If it was the child you adopted, or the child you gave up for adoption...would you read their most private thoughts and feelings?

If you stumbled upon their blog, or perhaps a message board where that individual had been posting about adoption issues, feelings surrounding an upcoming reunion, feelings of abandonment or fear of rejection...would you read their words if you figured out that it was YOUR child posting it?

This has happened recently on AFC, and although the posting was placed on an area that is public, I am nonetheless a little pissed about it. That this adoptee's nmother found her postings and read them, then used it as an excuse to back out of a reunion visit, is...well...just pathetic.

Pathetic and really, really maddening.

She was spying, and if what she was reading was not sitting well, she should have said something to her daughter instead of just staying hidden and lurking in the background like some voyeur, then pulling away after all was said and done.

To use an adoptee's words and feelings against her like that is just spiteful, it is mean, it is hurtful.

After all, how is an adoptee supposed to EVER work through these adoption related issues? Where was she to go, if not to the adult adoptees support forum, to speak to other adoptees who understand the adoption and reunion feelings? Obviously her own MOTHER is not being supportive; no, she's too busy playing spy games and acting like a victim herself.

Adoptees as a whole were the ones who had absolutely NO SAY in any of this adoption bullshit. NO SAY in being give away, in who they were sent to live with, in what their lives were to become. We are the ones who are FORCED to live with it, FORCED to swallow the pain and the guilt and the shame of being cast out of our own families and being the band-aid for another, of shouldering that pain at the expense of never "Hurting" our adoptive family, and then holding back and being ever so cautious so we don't hurt or intrude on our original family if we do decide to try to reunite.

FUCK!

We walk on goddamn eggshells EVERYWHERE we go, so we don't hurt ANYONE, and when does ANYONE, EVER, consider OUR goddamn feelings? Huh?? WHEN???

I'll tell you...

NEVER.

And this is a prime example. This adoptee was posting in an adoptee support forum, trying to be mindful of her n-family because she didn't want to bring things up to them and "hurt" anyone, she was just trying to work through her fears and anxieties, and look what happens. She gets spied on by her own mother and she slams the door shut in her face, all because, I don't know, I guess this adoptee was wrong to want to work through her own feelings.

Fuck that.

If you have an adopted person in your life, it's about time you start giving them space to explore their feelings. Don't pry, don't SPY, and for god's sake, don't play the guilting games.

I'm sorry for what happened on AFC...and shame on that sneaky, deceitful n-mother for doing what she did. Shame, shame, shame.

Grow up.

Happy Adoptees

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 4/12/08)

How many times have you heard it?

"Well, my best friend's cousin's hairdresser is adopted, and she's perfectly happy about it!"

"I have had a great adoption experience...both my brothers were adopted!!"

"I have a couple of dear friends who were adopted, and both of them are so happy and well adjusted!"

They are everywhere, everybody knows at least one. The happy, well-adjusted adoptee. Your best friend, the hairdresser in the salon, the clerk in the grocery store. Always happy, never a complaint, they are the epitomy of well-adjustedness.

Just the other day, someone was telling me that every adoptee she knows (except for one, because he had a "bad experiece" with adoptive parents who lied to him so he doesn't count) is happy, well-adjusted and thankful.

But I wonder...for every person who has a story like this to tell, I have to wonder just whether or not these people have ever actually asked the adopted person how they actually feel. You know, sat down, had a heart-to-heart, gotten into those deep, dark recesses of the adoptee's soul where the adoptee ISN'T afraid of or tired of hearing "Oh but you had such GREAT ADOPTIVE PARENTS" or "BUT YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ABORTED!!" or "HOW COULD YOU HURT YOUR ADOPTIVE PARENTS LIKE THAT???" if they ever dare to speak a hint of their true feelings.

Ever done that? Have you ever even asked the adopted person how they feel?

Have you ever used those lines on them? You know, the be grateful, coulda been aborted, don't upset the AP's? Yeah? Hmpf, then don't expect to think that what you ever hear from the adoptee to be the truth.

I think that every single person that I know would probably tell you that I am happy and thankful to be adopted. Without a doubt in their mind, oh yeah, I'm one of those happy adoptees. I had super-terrific adoptive parents, a great upbringing, everything a kid could want.

But nobody has ever asked for the truth, and even if they did, I have no reason to give it.

Because how can you tell someone who doesn't know or understand, how it feels to know that your own mother gave you away? How can you explain that soul-crushing pain to an "outsider"?

Simple, you can't.

Happy that I was given away, my name was changed, my records sealed, and I am treated like a crime suspect for asking for them? Grateful because I can't even access a copy of my own birth certificate, grateful that I can never know if cancer runs in my family, or who my ancestors were, or where my screwy curly hair comes from or find out why I get debilitating migraines?

No, I am not grateful, nor am I happy.

But, I'll never tell you that. I'll just smile, and nod, and play the game, because that's what you want to hear, that's what makes you feel warm and cozy.

I met my mother, 11 years ago I met her. Is she happy with the "choices" she made? Hmpf, if she HAD a choice, but you know, back in the 70's and the decades prior, women didn't HAVE a CHOICE. Their babies were taken from them, stolen, coerced. Women were lied to, deceived, tricked, even downright bullied and forced into giving their babies away. They didn't have a "choice". My mother didn't have a "choice".

It destroyed her, and her ability to face me after our reunion, 11 years later and she is finally able to let go of the guilt, and we are starting to rebuilt what we started in 1996.

Adoption destroyed me. I do not trust anyone, I think everyone is going to leave me, because if my own mother didn't keep me, then why would anyone else? I do not trust anyone. I do not have friends, because I do not trust people. I am the victim, because I bend over backwards to please everyone, because I fear abandonment. I am a doormat.

But I will never tell you this, because you don't want to hear it, you only want to hear that adoption is great, and wonderful, and rainbows and happiness and win-win-win.

But it is loss.

I lost, my mother lost. And in a way, my adoptive parents lost. Because they didn't get that grateful, as-if born to daughter they were promised; they got a damaged kid with someone else's DNA, a kid who didn't look or act or sound like them, a kid who was exactly the opposite of everything they were, a kid who exasperated them and confused them and annoyed and exhausted them. They didn't understand why I wasn't what they expected. I didn't understand why I couldn't be what they wanted, and I hated myself for it. I loathed myself for it. I decided that's why my mother didn't keep me, because I am defective...I am bad, I am unworthy, I am a big worthless piece of shit. I didn't fit in, anywhere.

I cried myself to sleep so many nights, I couldn't begin to count. I yearned for the mother I never knew. I waited for her on my roof, every car that came down our road, I hoped and prayed it was her, coming to get me. I missed the woman I had never know, I wanted her so badly.

I tried to kill myself multiple times.

But you never would have known it, I hid my pain in humor, I covered my tears with laughter.

I was a "happy" adoptee.

How may happy adoptees do you know?

What Adoption has Given Me - And What Adoption has Left Me With

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 4/5/08)

Adoption has given me a name. It is not really my name, the name I was born with, but it is the name I grew up with and that everyone knows me by and with which I am most accustomed. Adoption has given me a family - a borrowed family, who, for a brief moment in time, were here with me to love and guide me, to raise and teach me, to help turn me into the person I am today. They were not really ever mine; and to prove that point, fate or destiny or whatever forces there are decided to take them from me in one quick motion to drive that point home (see my "hell" category).

Adoption gave me my home. I live here, in this place where I grew up, not where I was born but where I was taken to, this little acreage outside of this little town in this farming region. Adoption gave me the people I know and the experience I had, which include growing up around those who love to garden and teaching me to have that same passion.

Adoption gave me the life I am living. It may not be a better life, it may not be a worse life, it is just a life. A different life. Because I am happy is not because of adoption, it is in spite of it. I do not have my DH and kids because of adoption, because I can't say that I never would have met him had I not been adopted; who knows? Would he have ended up in my city? Would I have moved down here eventually? If we were meant for one another, it would have happened.

But what has adoption left me with? Adoption has left me with pain...lots and lots of pain. It has left me with the knowledge that I will never, ever have the family I was born to be with. It has left me without a name, the name I was born to have, the person I was meant to be. Adoption has left me without my family - the family I was taken from and the family I was taken by, because in true adoptee fashion, everybody abandons me. By death or by adoption, I am alone.

Adoption has left me with an empty heart. A heart that doesn't know how to let people in, because it is too broken and scared of being left once again. Adoption has left me without my mother, or my father, or my siblings or grandparents or aunts and uncles...I have never had anyone around me who looks like me, or acts like me, or shares the same talents and abilities as me. Until I had my children, I've never been related to anyone.

Adoption has left me all alone.

Adoption has left me with a feeling of emptiness - a hollowness within my core that can never, ever be filled, even after reunion. Because nothing can replace the years that were lost, the years spent wondering and searching, longing for a ghost figure, dreaming and hoping, crying and agonizing.
Adoption has left me with scars.

Internal scars, the scars of a child who wondered every day why her mommy didn't love her, what was so bad about her that her own mommy would give her away. A little girl who wondered every day if her own mother loved her. Who does that? Who actually has to guess if their own parents even think about them? I'll tell you - adoptees. Because living with the knowledge that the woman who brought you into this world, the ONE PERSON who should love you unconditionally, would just give you away? It is traumatic beyond belief. No amount of love from somebody else can take that away. Nobody can soothe that hurt, nobody can make that better.

So, adoption has given me everything - everything I have. But it has left me with nothing, because nothing can make up for or replace what it has taken away.

And a Chorus of Angels were Singing

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 4/1/08)

Or some shit like that.

Yay for my wonderful, sweet, adorable friend Heather! Another successful reunion just happened this night, Heather called her mother for the first time, and let's just say her mother was quite thrilled to hear from her baby daughter.

I love these stories.

LOVE THEM.

Two more people, fucked over by the horror show that is adoption, finally can begin to heal and put their shattered lives back together. Too bad for Heather that she has been treated so poorly by the state of New York all these years and this could have happend YEARS earlier. Think of all the wasted years when New York was telling Heather that her birth was "none of her business".

Fuckers.

But, YAY!!!!!!!!!!! Heather and her mom, together again, as they rightfully should be. I think I hear angels singing.

Or maybe my stomach is growling... ;) Ha.

Love ya, H! Congratulations, sweetie! You deserve this SO MUCH!!

Hiding

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 3/31/08)

I've really been out of it lately. Sorry, everyone, I feel kinda like I've been letting you down...my wonderful friends at AFC, my arch enemies at Yahoo Answers, my readers here at my sporadic blog. But, I've been hiding. Avoiding, lying low, staying out of the adoption world as it is. I'm not sure why...maybe things have gotten to be a bit much, maybe I'm just kind of tired of all the drama...maybe, part of me is a lot like my mother in a way.

I've been reflecting a lot on our meeting last week. She emailed me right away the next day to tell me a few things, mostly that she realizes we need to get to know each other and that she wants to talk more about the adoption. My Gran had said something about regretting the mistakes we have made and I think my mother took it as the adoption itself was a mistake...I don't know, but she went on in her email to say that she thought, at the time, that she was doing the best thing. I got that classic line, they gave me away because they loved me so much...yadda yadda.

To be honest, it just pissed me off.

I want to email her back and tell her that yes, it was a mistake, it was the biggest mistake she or any person could ever make, but this is not something I want to say in an email. I think I am finally realizing that I DO harbor some anger for being given away. Fuck, I have been in the fog...who knew! Probably a lot of you, why didn't you bitch-slap me into reality??

I've agonized over her for so long, and now that I finally have her back in my life, I'm not sure what I really want from her. I just feel kind of numb to the whole thing. Isn't that weird? I thought I'd be more emotional than this...but really, I kind of feel like I could take her or leaver her. I've put so many years of yearning and crying for her, that I think I am emotioally spent. And when I finally get my chance to truly lay it on the line, I turn into my classic self...chicken shit, people pleaser, miss nicey-nice-can't-say-anything-mean. Fuck it.

I am such a loser.

I don't even deserve this reunion.

Do I tell her the truth...that I fucking hate adoption and that I have never, ever appreciated being given away? Or do I pacify her and spare her feelings (like usual) and say yeah, I understand, you did what you thought you had to do, bla bla bla? How do you tell someone, you fucked up royally and I paid the ultimate price for your screw up?

I just don't know. I don't think I could ever do that.

Adoption is just screwed up. It's just a fucked up, sick, disgusting institution.

My Dinner with Mom

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 3/28/08)

So, I saw here Wednesday night for the first time in over ten years.

We went out for dinner, along with my Gran, and I spent most of the evening just taking it all in and listening to them talk. They spoke a lot about my father (Gran, as you may or may not know, is his mother) and about his circumstances before he died.

She was not surprised that my one meeting with him went well...of course she knew him in ways that my Gran and aunts did not, but she thought that all of his anger and hesitance in the beginning was more out of fear and nervousness. But it was a sad night to hear about the end of his life, how he had not wanted to be alive any more, and about all the ways he was literally trying to kill himself. Well, he succeeded, he was very sad and depressed, I hope he's in a happier place.

But seeing her again...wow. She hasn't changed much, but seems a lot more grounded than she was in 1996. I can tell she's grown. She is just very sweet and kind. She wants to start a new tradition for us all to take a week or weekend vacation together, up north by one of the lakes, get all the families together. And we are going to see each other again, probably next month. She still has to meet her grandchildren.

I am just kind of numb, really. I've been so cautious with her this time in case she pulls away again...keeping myself from getting too excited or from expecting anything from her. A huge part of me doesn't trust her, that she won't do that to me again, but I am slowly starting to allow myself to believe that she is genuine about our reunion this time. It's hard to feel secure; I am so afraid of being abandoned yet again. Is this just the adoptee in me, or what? I don't know. But, I am cautiously hopeful that this time is the real thing.

But, I saw her again! Yay!!!! I guess that in itself is pretty huge, for both of us. Keep your fingers crossed that this is a sign of things to come!

Dear Mom

(Originally posted on Wordpress on 12/3/07)

You say you feel guilt. You're afraid to let me get to know you. Well I have some feelings too, feelings I have been putting on hold and shoving down deep because I want to try to help you, but you know I just can't do this any more.
I am hurting. I have been hurt my entire life. Do you know how it feels, to have your own mother leave you and walk away? You left me, you gave me away and you left me, not once, but twice, you turned your back on me, your own daughter, you just left me all alone. Adoption is not wonderful. Adoption is not the loving choice. It is the most horrible, painful, lonely experience anyone can ever inflict on a child, separating her from her mother like that, leaving her bewildered and cold, then expecting her to be grateful for it. You know I have missed you every single day of my life. I have thought about you every single day of my life. I have wondered about you, wondered if you think of me, wondered if you care, if you are somewhere out there, if you love me too. I hate this, I hate it, and the worst part of it is, even reunion couldn't bring any healing, I guess adoption just damages all of us too much. Maybe it would have been better if I had never been born.

I didn't ask for this, any of it. I didn't have a choice, as a baby, you, M, everyone else made the decision for me, you chose this life for me, nobody thought that just maybe I didn't want to lose my mother, my family, who I was meant to be. I never would have chosen this, EVER. I don't care if we would have lived in a cardboard box under a bridge, I never wanted this. I lost you, I lost everything, I was a fish out of water my entire life, unable to breathe, a square peg without any hole, filled with the most incredible pain imaginable because my own mother didn't want me, she gave me away to strangers.

To STRANGERS.

And my whole life, even now, my birth has been cloaked in secrecy, it's just one big shameful secret, I am a walking, shameful abomination who's past must be kept a secret, I don't have a right to possess anything that belongs to me concerning the day of my own birth, oh good heavens no. I was special and chosen and a gift yet they need to protect you from me, I might stalk and harrass and murder, I have the potential to cause great harm. I am suspect. The mixed messages in adoption are crazy making, one day we are blessings, the next we are freaks, every day we are sub-human, nobody gives a rat's ass unless there's a buck to be made.

And I STILL choose none of it, except to try to build something with you, but you continue to play this game of hide-and-seek, you just keep leaving me. And it's killing me.

All I ever wanted, even when I was that 4 pound newborn, was you; I just want my MOTHER. I don't care who you are or what you've done, I just need my mother to finally, finally take her baby daughter in her arms and tell her, mommy's going to make everything all right. She's still in here, that 4 pound newborn, she's still inside me, looking for you, wondering where you went, she still needs you so much, she's still waiting for you to come back for her.

Maybe it's too late for you to raise me. Maybe it's too late to change my diapers and fix my boo boo's and to watch me grow up.

But it's not too late for you to love me.

To the Mothers

(Originally posted on Wordpress on 8/15/07)

Why is it so difficult to treat your reunited relinquished children with a little bit of respect? Why are so many of you out there hiding, denying, flat-out ignoring your reunited children?

I don’t get it. I really don’t.

I mean, yeah, maybe in the era of our births it was a big shameful thing to be pregnant and single, and maybe your families and friends and society made you feel horrible, but come on. Grow up. It’s 2007 and things like this just aren’t a big deal anymore.

And I get that maybe relinquishing your baby was hard, heartbreaking, soul-crushing (or, maybe you were fine with it or at least convinced yourself that you are in order to cope) but just stop it for one tiny second and consider the feelings of your child.

YOUR CHILD.

We may be grown-ups now, in our 20’s, 30’s, 40’s and beyond, but guess what? We never ASKED for this. We had NO CHOICE whatsoever, not even a scant dream, we were forced into this adoption bullshit and had NO SAY. You think relinquishing your child is painful? Try living your entire life without anyone in your family. Knowing in your heart that you were abandoned. Is that possible? Can you even just once quit focusing on your bullshit and just THINK ABOUT YOUR CHILD?

I’m mad. No, I’m beyond mad. I’m just sick to death of seeing my fellow adoptees being denied, rejected, turned away for a SECOND time just because we want to know you. We are not dangerous, we are not looking to destroy your life, or humiliate you or any of those things.

We all just love you and want to know the woman who is our mother.

What is SO BAD about that? What is SO WRONG with giving your child even an iota of your attention? Your, hmmm, understanding? Even if you don’t understand, could you at least try? Pretend that you do?

We were rejected at birth. That’s the worst kind of punishment one could ever inflict on a person. We grew up feeling rejected, feeling inadequate, in fear of everyone else in our lives rejecting us too. We were forced to grow up in families that lied to us, that made us pretend to be their own “bio” kids, families that never understood our own pain and expected us to be grateful for being turned over to strangers by the one woman who should love us unconditionally.

You mothers had a “before” adoption. You know what life is like without that loss.

Adoptees don’t. We will never, EVER know what it is like to not have this tremendous loss in our lives.

And some of you just keep on compounding that, ignoring your children when they come looking for you, turning them away, denying who you are, keeping them a secret still. You can’t get past your own issues to give one ounce of compassion to that child you gave away.

And I don’t want to hear the “I had no choice” argument. I know that, I understand that, but you know what?

NEITHER DID WE.