Relating to the APs

I have been doing it again. Reading the blogs of APs and PAPs and finding myself getting all annoyed and wondering, just what the hell is this world coming to?

Anyway.

I was reading one particular blog post by a woman who is adamant that her infertility pain entitles her to adopt a child, and to hell with the "haters" (as she calls us, lol) because HER adoption will be open and wonderful and everyone will feast on jellybeans for breakfast under their bright red with white polkadotted toadstools. Because adoption is a fairytale wonderland like that, dontcha know.

And it got me to thinking, wow, this woman is going to be in for a very rude awakening someday. Maybe not until her adopted child hits puberty, or turns 18, or is 34 and giving birth to her third child...but it will hit home eventually.

I can't think of a single adopted person, that I know personally, who hasn't thought (if not said) to their ap's, "You're not my REAL mother." I never said it, but boy did I think it. Lots.

And nobody can say I didn't love my amom. She was the best, the best of the best, but there was always that part of me that kept that distance real. I don't know how else to describe it...I mean my amom and I were close and I loved her soooo much, but deep inside, I always had that....knowledge? Understanding? that she wasn't my REAL mother.

I remember getting my first period. I didn't know wtf was going on; I mean I knew what periods were and all that, but you know, it was kind of a surprise and I was a little bit scared. I went to my amom of course, and she was all understanding and told me what to do, but all I kept thinking was, "I want my mother. I want my REAL mother." As great as my amom was, I was just convinced that she had absolutely NO understanding of this sort of thing. I mean, she adopted me, right? So that probably meant she didn't even HAVE periods.

Yeah yeah corny I know. But it just goes to show that even in the best of adoption relationships, there will be that tension...that separation...that, shit, I don't know how to describe it. But it's there.

"Find my Family" on ABC

Haven't seen the show yet, but I hear it's already making quite a buzz. And has a few APes twisting their panties.

I had to check out their message board after I heard from a friend of mine that a particluar adopter sent ABC a scathing letter, bemoaning the havoc and destruction that this show will cause on innocent adoptive families everywhere. Ohhh, the horror, what if some young, impressionable adoptee sees this show and gets a wild idea in their head that biology matters??? The horror.

Here is the letter that this APe posted:

Shame on you ABC! Shame on you for your latest quest for ratings at any cost: Find My Family. The show’s claim to be “bringing families back together” undermines the essence of what a family is. For an adoptive family, this assumption shreds away at our children’s security; a security we have carefully nurtured all of their lives...

Ummm...really, the children's security or your own?

It is a dangerous despicable concept that benefits a few at the risk of traumatizing the many.

Traumatizing the many entitled APes, you mean...

Adoptive families are not temporary custodians of a child until they are “found” by their “family”. The host actually said, “I believe that every adopted person’s dream is to be found”. That is pretty presumptuous and insulting.

Actually, it is pretty accurate and dead-on. How many adoptees has this nitwit actually talked to in her life, I wonder?

Are you suggesting that they are lost?

Does one really have to state the obvious?

Adult adoptees and biological relatives can find each other, if they so choose, through confidential and private means. This should certainly be supported if initiated and requested by both adults parties. If the makers of this show truly had that as the intention, then start a web site and/or organization to assist them if need be.

Um, hello dingbat, there ARE multitudes of reunion registries, message boards, seach angels, private investigators, etc. etc. that do just this. The problem is, it DOES NOT WORK. Ever hear of sealed records? What if one or the other is deceased; can they give their consent from the grave? What if one or the other doesn't know about reunion registries or use the internet or has the funds to pay an expensive search just to let a 3rd-party (with no real desire to see two people reunite) handle all of this oh-so-personal communication?

Adoption is a very difficult personal and private mutual decision made by the biological and adoptive parents in the best interest of a human being; a child.

But we don't stay children forever. Eventually we DO grow up and we DO have a right to our opinion on this "mutual decision" in which we had NO SAY.

Adoption is forever.

Unfortunately you're right. An adopted person has no recourse whatsoever if they should, upon adulthood (or even before) decide that they want no part of their adoptive family. We are forced into this familial relationship, a contract is signed FOR us when we are minors, and there is no opt-out clause.

There are laws wisely ensuring confidentiality to protect the children and their families.

The ONLY reason these confidentiality laws came into place was to "protect" the APes from the shame of infertility. And supposedly to "protect" the adoptee from the "stain of illegitimacy." It's the 21st century, we don't really care who's a bastard any more. Methinks you just want "protection" from losing money on your investment.

The first episode assisted a couple in locating their biological daughter. What would you have done if that woman’s parents hadn’t told her she was adopted?

And what kind of heartless, irresponsible, greedy people would not give a child..."their" child...her truth? Would YOU want to have a life-altering secret kept from you all our life?

She had not sought to find her birthparents. What if she wasn’t ready, or interested, or was upset by your intrusive behavior?

Or what if she was wanting to be found by her n-parents instead? What if she was afraid to search? What if she had greedy, needy, entitled APes such as yourself who would slap her down at the mere mention of curiosity about her biology?

If someone asks you to locate their birth parents, what would you do if you discovered painful facts regarding a person’s birth? Like incest? Or rape? Or drug use? What if the biological parent were a mass murderer? Would you tell them? Would you put that on the air? Do you play God and decide who/what you reveal to whom?

Whatever the "truth" is, it is that adopted person's truth. Period. And they are entitled to it, to know the truth of their origins, just like every other non-adopted person. We adoptees are not fragile little pieces of glass, we are actually quite sturdy, and allowing us to know and work through OUR truth is only going to make us stronger and healthier in the end.

I can deal with and process what I KNOW much better than what I DON'T know.

What if the person you find did not want to be found?

They have every right to not have any contact with each other. That's the beauty of this country, we are free to associate with whomever we choose. They can always just say no.

What gives you the right to surprise someone and omnisciently call it your “mission” to bring “families” back together?

What gives YOU the right to speak for adoptees or n-parents?

Maybe some stones are better left unturned.

And maybe you should dig a little deeper and figure out just WHY you are having such a strong reaction to something that is quite obviously highly important to millions of family members separated by adoption.

The manipulation and abuse of these people continue...

I think separating babies from their mothers is manipulation and abuse, personally.

In the show, they need to “reunite” and they hug under a proverbial “family tree”. In the first episode the young woman’s biological parents were currently an intact family unit; along with the look-alike biological siblings (Was this a set up? They had the same haircut and exactly the same highlights?). In reality this fairytale story is far from typical.

And again, how would you know? That's my "truth"...married n-parents, full sibling, the whole shebang. In fact I know of a few other adoptees who discovered their "truth" and found the exact same thing. The hypothetical "drug abusing birth mother" is actually what is far from typical. MOST n-moms (and dads) are decent, upright, successful human beings who just found themselves without the support and encouragement to raise their much-loved baby.

This is just another exploitive ploy in the hopes of increasing ratings and sponsorship. I suggest that American’s are savvier than that.. I look forward to ABC doing the responsible thing and taking Finding My Family off the air.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but this is just the beginning. I hope Americans will finally come to realize just how much damage adoption and it's secrecy and lies does to adoptees and their n-families. And I hope you do us a favor and take yourself and your hideous comments off the internet.

So this is kind of cool

On a completely non-adoption related note...

I have been wearing a ring for the last few days that I found among my grandma's stuff. It looks like a silver wedding band - so, of course, I assumed that it was hers or someone else's from the family. It just fits my pinkie.

I took it off yesterday and was looking inside the band and noticed some writing. Thinking, how cool, an inscription for the wedding, but I was a bit surprised and perplexed to read the words "Liberte, Egalite, Fraternite" and "Francaise Republique."

I mean I know that none of my a-family came from France, so this was a little puzzling.

Ah but good ol' google, I come to find that it is actually WWI trench art. Some soldier fighting in the war made this out of a French coin - a method in which the writing on the outer edge of the coin is retained inside the ring. Pretty cool piece of history.

A little recap

So, I met up with nmom a few days ago.

All I can say is...wow. It went SO well, we were both SO at ease, and we did a lot of talking. A LOT. I can feel myself being more and more able to open up to her, and vice versa. I don't think we have ever actually been truly just one on one before, so that probably plays a huge role, but...

I was a little newborn infant once. Did you know that? I didn't, well ok I did but I never really felt it or could identify with the newborn me, until after Wednesday night. She told me about the day I was born, how they had to interrupt a parade (yes I am a real show stopper!) and then they took her to the wrong hospital, so she made them take me to the one she wanted to deliver me at.

She told me she never forgot my first cry and how she breathed a huge sigh of relief. And I was such a small baby, and so beautiful, and my dad's father came down there the very next day to see me.

I was NOT unwanted. I WAS loved.

This alone is enough to really help me connect to my birth. I feel so much more real now, so much more, I don't know, valid? More than I ever have in my life.

Another thing that really struck me is the importance that she is putting on me getting my OBC. She had NO idea that it was sealed and unavailable to me, none whatsoever. I even alluded to the forum and the Adoptee Rights work that so many of my fellow adoptees are doing to unseal our records, and she seemed genuinely on board with that. So in a couple weeks I am going to meet her, she is going to accompany me to the courthouse and sign whatever document she needs to sign, and then she is going to let me take her to Ikea. :) She wants to spend the whole day together, just the two of us, doing the things that real moms and daughters do. I can't wait.

There is more, but I need to process a little further.

Seeing mom

I am excited, I will be seeing my mother in two days. Nothing spectacular, just meeting up for dinner, but it's something.

Usually our emails are sporadic...well, I will email her pretty consistently and jump to reply to anything she sends to me, but coming from her, it takes days and days to reply if I get one at all. So when I asked her if she was busy on this particular night, I was quite shocked to get an instant reply. And not one but many as we planned the evening.

I had been trying to get in touch with my brother too, and she gave me his phone number. I hope he can make it, I haven't seen him in so long.

I've been debating back and forth with myself if I should share my blog or even possibly the forum with him. A big part of me thinks that he would be very receptive to this, that he would in some way understand, and that it would help solidify our relationship and bring us closer. We don't talk directly all that often but, I don't know, maybe by just being able to read what I say at his convenience, it would help. But then again there's that small adopted side of me that says "Don't do it!! He'll reject you for sure!!" I hate that part of me.

So wish us luck, I hope the evening goes well. I doubt any serious, deep discussion will happen, but it's a tiny step forward in this all but stalled relationship.

Sometimes I wonder, if I died today, would anybody attend my funeral?

If I somehow disappeared, how long would it take for anyone to notice? Or would anyone notice at all?

I keep myself at a distance from others because it's easier than dealing with the eventual loss. Because it will happen, sooner or later.

But I wonder what it's like to be loved, to be truly wanted and needed. It must be a beautiful thing, but I'll never know it. My phone never rings, my mail box is always empty. My heart is full, but nobody cares. Nobody sees the me that is craving to be cared for.

I'll never "fit in." I'll never be that person that gets thought of, that is remembered, that others want to hang around. I've accepted that, but sometimes the realization still hurts.

New Friends

So, my DS seems to have made himself a new little friend recently. I can't begin to explain how happy and relieved that makes me feel.

DS has always been the shy one - not your typical rough-and-tumble 9 year old boy, but very reserved, gentle, kind. A lot like me when I was little, we both tend to retreat into our shells and observe rather than participate. So over the years I have worried about him, because he never came home from school telling me about this friend or that. I was worried he'd never find that one best friend that I think everyone needs to have in their life.

And of course, my old "adoptee issues" rear their ugly head, as I am constantly reminded of my own feelings and abandonment fears and inability to fit in, and I worry. Worry, worry, worry.

I was teased constantly as a child. All through school, I was the one everybody picked on, I was the nerd, the wierdo, the outcast. I have flashbacks to the many times that a person in my grade would basically turn EVERYONE against me. Not just my grade, but the whole school (I went to a very small rural school). I had to go and face all those people, none of whom would speak to me, would be decent to me, would only tease and belittle. It was painful and only drove home more the abandonment and feelings of inadequacy. My own mother didn't want me, so why should any of these people, right? I was worthless.

And while I know that my DS doesn't have that in his life to draw upon, I still worry about him. What if the kids do it to him? He is such a tender soul, I don't know if he could take it. But if he even had one really good, tight friend to stick by him, he'll be all right.

I know I was, thank goodness for S, she was the only person who I could turn to, and got me through some very tough years.

And so I am excited, glad, happy, relieved...so many emotions come flooding in now that DS has finally seemed to find a friend. Someone he "clicks" with. I hope this is the beginning of a lifelong friendship for him, those are so precious and rare.

And I need to stop projecting my adoptedness onto my kids.

Now I need to go clean the house in case his little buddy does come over after school. I think we'll order pizza tonight....