Loyalties

I was reading a post over on the forum today and something one of our members said really struck a chord with me.

...I wish all the people who've told me how lucky I am to be adopted and how wonderful it is, could have felt the confusion and sickness I felt after all that. I constantly feel, and I am sure all adopees get this, that I'm being dragged from one loyalty to another.

God this is SO TRUE. The loyalty thing! Adoptees are pushed and pulled in different directions all the time by our families, our friends, by complete strangers who think they have the right to dictate our lives to us. And to not even realize what they are doing, while telling us to be grateful for having people such as themselves pushing us around. It's insane-making. On one hand, you have the obvious pro-adoption camp who think that adoptees should "get over" their biological family and be happy/grateful/thankful/glad we have this super duper awesome forever family who so graciously let us sleep under their roof and tossed us some food from time to time. And then you have the seriously anti-adoption nuts who will tell you that your adoptive parents are nothing more than child abductors and any "love" I think I feel for them is simply Stockholm Syndrome and they are only merely fond of me as well. (Yes, I have actually heard those words from someone). And then there's the rest of society - people who are well-meaning usually, maybe they have no real connection with adoption so they don't know what to think, or maybe they know someone who knows someone who is adopted and they feel this way or that, so of course all adoptees should. And last but not least, you have your families, adoptive and, if in reunion/open adoption, your biological families. And I count my friends in here too, because they are close to me and are part of my "inner circle" so to speak. Everyone has an opinion on where my loyalties should lie. EVERYONE. And almost everyone feels they have the right to TELL me where my loyalties lie. What is it about loyalty anyway? I mean, why is it that society has this idea that adoptive parents are like a lover who is being cheated on if the adoptee decides to see where she came from? What's with this notion that because they raised me, I can't form friendships and relationships with people other than them? Oh wait...I can, just not anyone who might share my DNA. Because THAT would be "disloyal." I can call my mother-in-law Mom, but if I called my n-mother Mom? THAT would be a betrayal. And most people have no qualms whatsoever about telling me so, and making me feel like shit in the process. Because my own feelings and needs don't matter, apparently. And then to top it off by telling me how awesome it must be to feel this way. Do people listen to themselves? I don't think so. I don't think they even think about what is about to come out of their mouth most of the time. And damn this is turning into another anti-adoptive parent thing isn't it? LOL no, no, I don't hate my adoptive parents. Nothing could be further from the truth. And if they were alive today? I don't think they'd be the least bit bothered by my reunion and subsequent relationships with my biological family. At least I like to think they wouldn't, because they were pretty awesome people, and never once made me feel like I should be grateful for my adoption. They never used any of the tired old cliche's about adoption, and I'm so thankful for that. And you know, they ARE my parents. I DO feel a loyalty to them. But that doesn't mean I can't or shouldn't also have a space for the people who are my family by birth. What is so dangerous, or disloyal, about having more people in my life who love me? Do people tell their friends, they can't make more friends because the old friends will feel betrayed? I've never heard of that happening. But it's kind of par for the course in adopto-land. And it's funny, because when it comes to my biological vs. adoptive siblings, the sentiments don't seem to apply. Nobody thinks my adoptive brothers will feel betrayed if I list my biological brother as such on my FB family list. Nobody tells me I shouldn't talk to him because my brothers were the ones beating me up my entire childhood, not him. Nobody seems to care, they actually think it's pretty cool. But the parents loyalty thing is what's huge. And it's not like I can suddenly go back and be re-raised by my b-mom...it's not like my entire lifetime of memories is going to be wiped clean and I'll forget my a-parents ever existed. Yet people think adoptees must choose one or the other, pick sides, be loyal. I'll tell you what...I'll be loyal to those who show me love and respect and EARN my loyalty. And I - me, myself and I alone, will decide who that its. I don't tell anyone else who they should be loyal to...but for some reason, adoptee loyalty is open season. Sickening.

On being "chosen"

A lot of people like to adoptees that we're special; that we were "chosen" and should therefore feel really good and blessed and happy. It seems to be a favorite (right after "you could have been aborted," which if you think of it, how does one go from being a worthless and unwanted thing to be gotten rid of to being special and chosen in one breath? Talk about a mind fuck). I know I heard it, I think pretty much all of my adoptee friends have heard it too.

As a young child I really used to buy into it too. I would imagine my parents driving to the adoption agency, their faces lit up with these huge grins of anticipation, their hearts pounding as they arrived at the place where they would CHOOSE THEIR BABY. I pictured a big room filled with other adoptive parents just like mine, and soon a line of ladies would come from an inconspicuous wooden door off in the corner, each one smiling brightly as they each carried a plump and adorable baby dressed in white cotton dresses with eyelet trim. These babies would then be passed around the room, from adoptive parent to adoptive parent, and whoever was holding the baby when she stopped crying would "choose" that baby and they'd adopt her and go live happily ever after.

I had an active imagination as a child.

Chosen...was I chosen?

My amom told me a story one time that before they adopted me, they had received a call from the adoption agency, telling them that a baby girl was available for adoption. She was everything that they had hoped for...except for one dark stain on her record, her mother had been on drugs. (Insert audible gasping in of breath). So my parents in all their parental wisdom decided NOT to take that particular baby. Which leads me to wonder; what if they had? What if they DID adopt this little girl? Then there'd be somebody ELSE sitting here in my chair, with my name and all my memories and living MY life. Who, then, would I have become? Where would I be? What would my name be? What kind of life would I be living?

For I sure as heck wouldn't be who I am today.

My parents waited until the NEXT little girl was available for adoption - mois - and the rest is history. But I don't think of it as being so much chosen as just being the next available baby for the people at the top of the list. They didn't come into a room and select me from a group of other babies. They didn't pass me around and keep me because I stopped crying for them. No, I am who I am because of simple logistics.

I wonder about that little baby that was passed up. Where is she now? WHO is she now? Did she get as good of parents as I did, or was she abused and mistreated? Does she know she came *this close* to being ME? If she went to the people who were next on the list after my parents, would I have went to them if she had been chosen by mine?

God it is such a mind fuck.

Coercion, or not?

My mother gave me away. She chose to do it.

There are many people out there who would say it was cercion, she was brainwashed, she didn't *really* have a choice. Even me, I thought that once, and not so very long ago. But I am really beginning to wonder now. Just where does blaming coercion end and facing responsibility for your own actions begin?

Yes, adoption agencies and "counselors" all have a very powerful and effective marketing strategy. It's business, and if you're to succeed in sales, you must be able to pitch your product and sway the public.

I was unable to sleep one night, a while ago, and well when you are awake at 3-4 a.m. there really isn't much on the television worth watching. I found myself glued to an infomercial, Chalene Johnson was telling us about her amazing Turbo Jam workout, and you know everyone who bought it has lost soooooo much weight it's unbelievable. And I have to admit it was not my finest moment, but I was sucked in to this, swayed by the emotional aspect of hating all this baby weight and feeling like such a loser for having it, and she what she was offering really did seem like the answer to my prayers, the one and only thing that would help me.

I ordered it.

And when it arrived, and I stood looking at these 4 DVD's and an overgrown green rubber band, I thought, what the hell was I thinking? How could I have gotten sucked in and led to think that I needed this?

At the end of the day, I did not place all the blame squarely on the shoulders of Chalene. I was not coerced into buying this. This was purely my fault for allowing myself to believe that what she was pitching was some magical cure to all my ills.

I should have stepped back, and used my brain instead of my emotions, and really thought this through and weighed the pros vs. the cons, the "is this really what I need?" and "is there any other way I can succeed without resorting to spending my hard earned money?"

And I'm just talking about 30 bucks for some unwatched DVD's. This isn't even nearly as monumental as giving away your own freaking child.

So - how is an adoption worker pitching adoption any different? They know how to play on our emotions, they know how to hook you and pull you in. But what you DO with this is up to you. It was up to my mother. SHE, like me and Chalene, allowed her heart to rule her mind.

So when does it stop being coercion and start being a choice, albeit a bad one, that ultimately is her own fault? She could have sought out other opions, she SHOULD have stepped back and thought logically about it. Just as we all do when we are faced with any type of decision in our lives...but I don't think it does anyone any good to cry victim and claim coercion.

Because at the end of the day, Chalene didn't call the number and order the DVD's for me, I did it myself. And the adoption agency didn't give birth to me and sign away their rights, my mother did.

Nmom's letter and WTF

This has been a strange weekend. Bot the kids were sick, I mean really really puking in a bucket all night and day sick, and it ended up being strep. WTF?

But anyway. I stayed home with them on Monday and while they were watching Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs over and over and over, I got myself down and busy cleaning. Cleaning out the mud room, cleaning out the desk, going through piles of old papers and letters and finally pitching some shit that needed to go. Ahhhh that feels so good, now I have room to stash more shit.

In the midst of my cleaning and pitching, I cam across a letter that I thought had been lost. It was the letter my mother wrote to me right after the social wrecker contacted her to let her know I was searching for her.

I haven't opened it up until this morning.

One thing really stands out to me, in the very first paragraph...

...All of the mixed emotions that I had made the decision of adopting you out very difficult. I had to think beyond the love I had for you and concentrate on your future life. The adoption agency counseled me as I had many questions regarding adoption. I and your father then made our decision that this was the right thing to do....

The Agency counseled her, all right. For almost 4 months, while I was hidden away in some foster home, probably being ignored and drugged up on phenobarbitol, the agency "counseled" her. And of course, with me being out of sight, out of mind and the undoubtedly constant pressure on her to "do the right thing" I became another statistic. Another boost to their profit margin.

I feel like swearing.

And to this day she holds on to the belief that she did the right thing, even in not naming me because she "felt that she would be giving my aparents a great gift by letting them be the ones to name me." Guess she wasn't told about sealed records and amended birth certificates, because they would have just renamed me anyway.

And I wonder what my foster carers called me for almost 4 months. I mean, jesus, the had to call me something.

This is all just completely fucked up. My foundations are of abandonment, isolation, neglect. No wonder I have felt like such an outcast all my life.

But on a happier note, my nbro has joined FB, I am so happy. Now maybe we can finally "talk" more and start a decent, real relationship. We have missed out on so much of each others lives, I don't want to waste any more time.

A little recap

So, I met up with nmom a few days ago.

All I can say is...wow. It went SO well, we were both SO at ease, and we did a lot of talking. A LOT. I can feel myself being more and more able to open up to her, and vice versa. I don't think we have ever actually been truly just one on one before, so that probably plays a huge role, but...

I was a little newborn infant once. Did you know that? I didn't, well ok I did but I never really felt it or could identify with the newborn me, until after Wednesday night. She told me about the day I was born, how they had to interrupt a parade (yes I am a real show stopper!) and then they took her to the wrong hospital, so she made them take me to the one she wanted to deliver me at.

She told me she never forgot my first cry and how she breathed a huge sigh of relief. And I was such a small baby, and so beautiful, and my dad's father came down there the very next day to see me.

I was NOT unwanted. I WAS loved.

This alone is enough to really help me connect to my birth. I feel so much more real now, so much more, I don't know, valid? More than I ever have in my life.

Another thing that really struck me is the importance that she is putting on me getting my OBC. She had NO idea that it was sealed and unavailable to me, none whatsoever. I even alluded to the forum and the Adoptee Rights work that so many of my fellow adoptees are doing to unseal our records, and she seemed genuinely on board with that. So in a couple weeks I am going to meet her, she is going to accompany me to the courthouse and sign whatever document she needs to sign, and then she is going to let me take her to Ikea. :) She wants to spend the whole day together, just the two of us, doing the things that real moms and daughters do. I can't wait.

There is more, but I need to process a little further.

Adoption Sucks and I am Afraid of My Own Mother

I spent the better part of Tuesday writing, deleting, and rewriting the same damn email to my mother.

All I really want is to see her; but do you think I can bring myself to ask for that?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Riiiiiiiigggggggght.

I am an adoptee who is afraid of her own mother. Is that not the most pathetic, moronic, idiotic thing you've read in the adoption-blog land? I think it probably has to be, for me, and I am a bit ashamed of myself for even writing it.

It is so hard for me to even send her a simple email to say, Hey Ma, what are you doing for the 4th? Are you going to be around? Can we maybe get together, do lunch, take the kids to the zoo?

For most normal people, this would be second nature, they wouldn't even put any thought into typing the words and hitting send (or picking up the phone and asking) but for me, this is an agonizing process, sometimes taking WEEKS to compose the words, figuring out how to not make them sound too needy, or demanding, or if I'm asking too much of her too soon.

I obsess over this and go through our past emails and figure out who emailed who last, and how long ago, because I don't want to do too much, I do not want to rush things this time around. I over-analyze and calculate and when all is set and ready and looking just-so, I delete it.

I am so full of self-doubt and fear that this relationship could crumble that I sit back and do nothing. I am frozen. I don't trust myself, I don't trust HER, I don't trust this relationship.

And really, why should I? She walked away from me not once, but twice. The very first birthday we had together, the original one, I was left all alone in a sterile hospital, crying for my mother.

The next birthday we had together 24 years later, she left me again, calling me on the phone to tell me she doesn't have time for me in her life.

She tells me she loves me, but I have a hard time believing it. I just don't buy it. I WANT to believe it, I WANT to feel those words and know that what she says is true, but some part of me just doubts it to my core.

I don't trust her, and I don't trust us.

Not yet.

And with birthday number 35 coming up, will the cycle continue?

I want to ask her if we can spend some time together on or around that day. But that scares me more than anything. Will she turn me down? Walk away from me again? I think just being turned down will be more painful than not doing anything and sitting here longing for her.

And, god, I am all grown up and still longing for my mother like a little kid.

How screwed up is that.

Adoption sucks, and I am afraid of my mother. Afraid of losing her, again, for the third time. Because if it happens again, there will be no more chances, of that I am sure.

Would you Spy?

If you could spy on an adoptee, would you?

If it was the child you adopted, or the child you gave up for adoption...would you read their most private thoughts and feelings?

If you stumbled upon their blog, or perhaps a message board where that individual had been posting about adoption issues, feelings surrounding an upcoming reunion, feelings of abandonment or fear of rejection...would you read their words if you figured out that it was YOUR child posting it?

This has happened recently on AFC, and although the posting was placed on an area that is public, I am nonetheless a little pissed about it. That this adoptee's nmother found her postings and read them, then used it as an excuse to back out of a reunion visit, is...well...just pathetic.

Pathetic and really, really maddening.

She was spying, and if what she was reading was not sitting well, she should have said something to her daughter instead of just staying hidden and lurking in the background like some voyeur, then pulling away after all was said and done.

To use an adoptee's words and feelings against her like that is just spiteful, it is mean, it is hurtful.

After all, how is an adoptee supposed to EVER work through these adoption related issues? Where was she to go, if not to the adult adoptees support forum, to speak to other adoptees who understand the adoption and reunion feelings? Obviously her own MOTHER is not being supportive; no, she's too busy playing spy games and acting like a victim herself.

Adoptees as a whole were the ones who had absolutely NO SAY in any of this adoption bullshit. NO SAY in being give away, in who they were sent to live with, in what their lives were to become. We are the ones who are FORCED to live with it, FORCED to swallow the pain and the guilt and the shame of being cast out of our own families and being the band-aid for another, of shouldering that pain at the expense of never "Hurting" our adoptive family, and then holding back and being ever so cautious so we don't hurt or intrude on our original family if we do decide to try to reunite.

FUCK!

We walk on goddamn eggshells EVERYWHERE we go, so we don't hurt ANYONE, and when does ANYONE, EVER, consider OUR goddamn feelings? Huh?? WHEN???

I'll tell you...

NEVER.

And this is a prime example. This adoptee was posting in an adoptee support forum, trying to be mindful of her n-family because she didn't want to bring things up to them and "hurt" anyone, she was just trying to work through her fears and anxieties, and look what happens. She gets spied on by her own mother and she slams the door shut in her face, all because, I don't know, I guess this adoptee was wrong to want to work through her own feelings.

Fuck that.

If you have an adopted person in your life, it's about time you start giving them space to explore their feelings. Don't pry, don't SPY, and for god's sake, don't play the guilting games.

I'm sorry for what happened on AFC...and shame on that sneaky, deceitful n-mother for doing what she did. Shame, shame, shame.

Grow up.

Hiding

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 3/31/08)

I've really been out of it lately. Sorry, everyone, I feel kinda like I've been letting you down...my wonderful friends at AFC, my arch enemies at Yahoo Answers, my readers here at my sporadic blog. But, I've been hiding. Avoiding, lying low, staying out of the adoption world as it is. I'm not sure why...maybe things have gotten to be a bit much, maybe I'm just kind of tired of all the drama...maybe, part of me is a lot like my mother in a way.

I've been reflecting a lot on our meeting last week. She emailed me right away the next day to tell me a few things, mostly that she realizes we need to get to know each other and that she wants to talk more about the adoption. My Gran had said something about regretting the mistakes we have made and I think my mother took it as the adoption itself was a mistake...I don't know, but she went on in her email to say that she thought, at the time, that she was doing the best thing. I got that classic line, they gave me away because they loved me so much...yadda yadda.

To be honest, it just pissed me off.

I want to email her back and tell her that yes, it was a mistake, it was the biggest mistake she or any person could ever make, but this is not something I want to say in an email. I think I am finally realizing that I DO harbor some anger for being given away. Fuck, I have been in the fog...who knew! Probably a lot of you, why didn't you bitch-slap me into reality??

I've agonized over her for so long, and now that I finally have her back in my life, I'm not sure what I really want from her. I just feel kind of numb to the whole thing. Isn't that weird? I thought I'd be more emotional than this...but really, I kind of feel like I could take her or leaver her. I've put so many years of yearning and crying for her, that I think I am emotioally spent. And when I finally get my chance to truly lay it on the line, I turn into my classic self...chicken shit, people pleaser, miss nicey-nice-can't-say-anything-mean. Fuck it.

I am such a loser.

I don't even deserve this reunion.

Do I tell her the truth...that I fucking hate adoption and that I have never, ever appreciated being given away? Or do I pacify her and spare her feelings (like usual) and say yeah, I understand, you did what you thought you had to do, bla bla bla? How do you tell someone, you fucked up royally and I paid the ultimate price for your screw up?

I just don't know. I don't think I could ever do that.

Adoption is just screwed up. It's just a fucked up, sick, disgusting institution.

My Dinner with Mom

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 3/28/08)

So, I saw here Wednesday night for the first time in over ten years.

We went out for dinner, along with my Gran, and I spent most of the evening just taking it all in and listening to them talk. They spoke a lot about my father (Gran, as you may or may not know, is his mother) and about his circumstances before he died.

She was not surprised that my one meeting with him went well...of course she knew him in ways that my Gran and aunts did not, but she thought that all of his anger and hesitance in the beginning was more out of fear and nervousness. But it was a sad night to hear about the end of his life, how he had not wanted to be alive any more, and about all the ways he was literally trying to kill himself. Well, he succeeded, he was very sad and depressed, I hope he's in a happier place.

But seeing her again...wow. She hasn't changed much, but seems a lot more grounded than she was in 1996. I can tell she's grown. She is just very sweet and kind. She wants to start a new tradition for us all to take a week or weekend vacation together, up north by one of the lakes, get all the families together. And we are going to see each other again, probably next month. She still has to meet her grandchildren.

I am just kind of numb, really. I've been so cautious with her this time in case she pulls away again...keeping myself from getting too excited or from expecting anything from her. A huge part of me doesn't trust her, that she won't do that to me again, but I am slowly starting to allow myself to believe that she is genuine about our reunion this time. It's hard to feel secure; I am so afraid of being abandoned yet again. Is this just the adoptee in me, or what? I don't know. But, I am cautiously hopeful that this time is the real thing.

But, I saw her again! Yay!!!! I guess that in itself is pretty huge, for both of us. Keep your fingers crossed that this is a sign of things to come!