Thursday, July 3, 2008

Adoption Sucks and I am Afraid of My Own Mother

I spent the better part of Tuesday writing, deleting, and rewriting the same damn email to my mother.

All I really want is to see her; but do you think I can bring myself to ask for that?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Riiiiiiiigggggggght.

I am an adoptee who is afraid of her own mother. Is that not the most pathetic, moronic, idiotic thing you've read in the adoption-blog land? I think it probably has to be, for me, and I am a bit ashamed of myself for even writing it.

It is so hard for me to even send her a simple email to say, Hey Ma, what are you doing for the 4th? Are you going to be around? Can we maybe get together, do lunch, take the kids to the zoo?

For most normal people, this would be second nature, they wouldn't even put any thought into typing the words and hitting send (or picking up the phone and asking) but for me, this is an agonizing process, sometimes taking WEEKS to compose the words, figuring out how to not make them sound too needy, or demanding, or if I'm asking too much of her too soon.

I obsess over this and go through our past emails and figure out who emailed who last, and how long ago, because I don't want to do too much, I do not want to rush things this time around. I over-analyze and calculate and when all is set and ready and looking just-so, I delete it.

I am so full of self-doubt and fear that this relationship could crumble that I sit back and do nothing. I am frozen. I don't trust myself, I don't trust HER, I don't trust this relationship.

And really, why should I? She walked away from me not once, but twice. The very first birthday we had together, the original one, I was left all alone in a sterile hospital, crying for my mother.

The next birthday we had together 24 years later, she left me again, calling me on the phone to tell me she doesn't have time for me in her life.

She tells me she loves me, but I have a hard time believing it. I just don't buy it. I WANT to believe it, I WANT to feel those words and know that what she says is true, but some part of me just doubts it to my core.

I don't trust her, and I don't trust us.

Not yet.

And with birthday number 35 coming up, will the cycle continue?

I want to ask her if we can spend some time together on or around that day. But that scares me more than anything. Will she turn me down? Walk away from me again? I think just being turned down will be more painful than not doing anything and sitting here longing for her.

And, god, I am all grown up and still longing for my mother like a little kid.

How screwed up is that.

Adoption sucks, and I am afraid of my mother. Afraid of losing her, again, for the third time. Because if it happens again, there will be no more chances, of that I am sure.

8 wisecracks:

Suz said...

(((lillie).

This made me cry.

sillysiller said...

I can sooo relate. I am a 37 year old who just reunited with my mother and I don't know if I am coming or going.
Your blog can be my blog. I am so unsure about my relationship with her..what I want.
She left me 3 times..3 times she stood back and sent me out of her life.
I understand where you are coming from.
www.homeschoolblogger.com/sillysiller

Julie McCoy said...

oh my god. ohmygod. i so hear you. i know what you are saying. i had the first rejection 34 years ago. we renuited in april, and she bailed 6 weeks later. i am grieving, but i am still secretly relieved to be out of contact right now. every single email i wrote was a contortion act, where i agonized over every word, every punctuation and syllable.
my birthday is coming up, and i honestly do not know what will be worse? contact or no contact.
hang in there. take a leap of faith, but guard your heart. and check in with us in the forum as the date approaches? hugs to you- (autumn)

maybe said...

Same problem here, except I'm afraid of my own son. Obsessing over everything, sending an email is like making a major life decision. How sick is that?
Adoption is a total mind f**ck... I think I stole that from you, it is my new mantra.

The Fuzzy Duck Daughter said...

Oh HELL Lillie.

I was just talking to my mother about this today...how I still can't trust her, how I can't just pick up the phone to call her and say I just want to hear her voice. I mean...what the hell? We talk about everything, including our own vulnerabilities and fears, what things we do to piss each other off, etc. but I still can't trust her or the relationship. My mother left me twice. If I trust her, and let myself go, how do I survive the third time?

joy said...

I love you Lillie.

the passionate "peach" said...

I hear you, too. I've been reunited with my first dad for years, and still feel like an idiot calling him (he doesn't even have email ~ darn), because I never know if he will back out or not return my call timely ~ and it hurts. My emotions go up and down ~ wanting contact, and then not, because of being hurt over and over. When we do get together it is great ~ but he isn't reliable. And it hurts. So I totally understand your post ~ thanks for writing it for so many others.

Being Me said...

This is definitely NOT the "most pathetic, moronic, idiotic thing you've read in the adoption-blog land? " And you have nothing to be ashamed of! I think you are being bold and brave to be working through this horror. Now I just want you to stand up and pat yourself on the back for being so smart and sensitive and tenacious and tender no matter what.

And I'm not even going to start on what is really pathetic and moronic in adoption-blog land. There is way too much of it.

(((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

 
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