Going Viral

Some of you who are dialed in to the adoptee rights movement or are in some other way involved in adoption stuff may have noticed the onslaught of FB pictures of adoptees searching for the mothers & families. While I’m happy that it has worked for some and it’s a great resource for those of us who live under the oppression of sealed records, it also saddens and angers me greatly. The fact that any of these men & women have to publicly beg for a tiny shred of information, all the while facing some very sharp criticism from well-meaning (and not-so-well-meaning) people is demeaning and dehumanizing. People like to drone on about “privacy” - but if adoptees had the right to access their own birth records, then that “privacy” (which is a myth, by the way) could be respected much more by not forcing adoptees to blast their information all over FB and the internet. What should be personal and yes, private, is now very public. But I don’t even want to get into the open records spiel. I want to get at the public perception of adoption and reunion and this romanticized image that people have of the whole ordeal. Everyone loves a warm and fuzzy happy reunion full of tears and hugs. They like to be voyeurs to something that is so fraught with emotion and get caught up in the happiness and joy of it all. But what they don’t see, what the television talk shows and newspaper stories and viral photos don’t tell you, is the incredible aftermath. Meeting your family and suddenly having your dreams of what could have been turn into the reality of what should have been can leave a person feeling devastated. The term “roller coaster” has been used to describe it, and it’s an apt description. The initial highs can be followed by some very deep and profound lows. Nobody who has not lived it can possibly understand the paradox of meeting your own family, but knowing you’ll never really be a true part of that family, because it’s impossible to make up for that lifetime of memories and shared experiences that truly make us “family.” It’s seeing parts of yourself reflected back in the features and actions and attitudes, for the first time in your life, and FINALLY understanding exactly who you are. It’s like coming home, but knowing you will never be able to stay. Because the push and the pull from other parts of your life make it impossible. Your adoptive family feels betrayed; your friends think you need to forget it and move on; your SO just wants the “old” you back, the one who wasn’t constantly obsessing over every tiny detail of every moment spent with your new-found relatives. The one who still had time for them and wasn’t so wrapped up in this new discovery. And then times goes on, things kind of even out, but distance makes it hard to develop a relationship and your own fears of abandonment force you to keep a comfortable distance. For me, the fact that my mother kicked me out of her life twice, really made me afraid. I thought, well, if my own mother can walk away from me, what’s to stop the rest of the family? And so we pull back. We distance ourselves to protect ourselves from the inevitable fallout that we feel certain is going to come. And this pull back is often misunderstood, seen as a lack of interest or maybe a rejection of them of sorts, but we are afraid – afraid to make our feelings known because all our lives, we have been expected to keep our feelings in check in the interest of not hurting our adoptive parents or upsetting someone. Because we are expendable; we are the second choice children, society is quick to remind us, we have no right to this life because our mothers could have taken us out of it via abortion and we’d better be good and grateful. It’s a hard thing to shake, even for the strongest of us. This is why records should be open (ok, ok, I brought up the records). This is why it’s so sad to see my fellow adoptees, my fellow human beings, resorting to these public displays of pleading which might very well pay off, but at what price? We should all be allowed to know the most basic information about ourselves…who we are, where we came from, who we were before our birth certificates were legally falsified and the originals locked away forever. And then you have the nay-sayers…the “you don’t know what you’re going to find, you might not like the outcome, I know a person who was adopted and had a bad experience and now has nothing to do with her birth family!” Really? Well good for your friend. I’m glad she knows. It is her right, and what happened after reunion is also her right. I often tell people (ok, I don’t, but I would LIKE to) that we can’t get closure from fantasies. We can’t come to terms with only our imagination. No matter what the truth is, good or bad, at least it can be DEALT with and processed. It is only through knowing the truth and, if it is indeed not pretty, being able to face it is the only thing that will allow us to heal and become stronger. Society recognizes the value of facing all sorts of problems and traumas…we know that to “bottle it up” is unhealthy, yet adopted people are expected to do just that. Bottle it up, get over it, ignore it, just stfu and be grateful. Really, it’s no wonder so many serial killers are adopted…we’re expected to somehow magically get over something without ever being allowed to talk about it, to process it, to explore our own feelings for the sake of those around us. Including complete strangers who think they need to give their opinion on something they know jack about. So what exactly is the point I’m trying to make…I don’t even know. Lord knows I’ve made a ton of mistakes in my own reunion, and I can say it’s been a mixture of both good and bad. But it’s mine and mine alone, and no matter what has happened, I’m glad I did it. I wish some things could have been different, I wish I had done some things better, but at least I KNOW and can have peace with that. I just hope that all my fellow adoptees get the same opportunity and wish that someday, they can all do it privately, in their own time, without having to get the approval of complete strangers or beg like children for a crumb of information. Let’s stop the inhumanity.

On being "chosen"

A lot of people like to adoptees that we're special; that we were "chosen" and should therefore feel really good and blessed and happy. It seems to be a favorite (right after "you could have been aborted," which if you think of it, how does one go from being a worthless and unwanted thing to be gotten rid of to being special and chosen in one breath? Talk about a mind fuck). I know I heard it, I think pretty much all of my adoptee friends have heard it too.

As a young child I really used to buy into it too. I would imagine my parents driving to the adoption agency, their faces lit up with these huge grins of anticipation, their hearts pounding as they arrived at the place where they would CHOOSE THEIR BABY. I pictured a big room filled with other adoptive parents just like mine, and soon a line of ladies would come from an inconspicuous wooden door off in the corner, each one smiling brightly as they each carried a plump and adorable baby dressed in white cotton dresses with eyelet trim. These babies would then be passed around the room, from adoptive parent to adoptive parent, and whoever was holding the baby when she stopped crying would "choose" that baby and they'd adopt her and go live happily ever after.

I had an active imagination as a child.

Chosen...was I chosen?

My amom told me a story one time that before they adopted me, they had received a call from the adoption agency, telling them that a baby girl was available for adoption. She was everything that they had hoped for...except for one dark stain on her record, her mother had been on drugs. (Insert audible gasping in of breath). So my parents in all their parental wisdom decided NOT to take that particular baby. Which leads me to wonder; what if they had? What if they DID adopt this little girl? Then there'd be somebody ELSE sitting here in my chair, with my name and all my memories and living MY life. Who, then, would I have become? Where would I be? What would my name be? What kind of life would I be living?

For I sure as heck wouldn't be who I am today.

My parents waited until the NEXT little girl was available for adoption - mois - and the rest is history. But I don't think of it as being so much chosen as just being the next available baby for the people at the top of the list. They didn't come into a room and select me from a group of other babies. They didn't pass me around and keep me because I stopped crying for them. No, I am who I am because of simple logistics.

I wonder about that little baby that was passed up. Where is she now? WHO is she now? Did she get as good of parents as I did, or was she abused and mistreated? Does she know she came *this close* to being ME? If she went to the people who were next on the list after my parents, would I have went to them if she had been chosen by mine?

God it is such a mind fuck.

"Find my Family" on ABC

Haven't seen the show yet, but I hear it's already making quite a buzz. And has a few APes twisting their panties.

I had to check out their message board after I heard from a friend of mine that a particluar adopter sent ABC a scathing letter, bemoaning the havoc and destruction that this show will cause on innocent adoptive families everywhere. Ohhh, the horror, what if some young, impressionable adoptee sees this show and gets a wild idea in their head that biology matters??? The horror.

Here is the letter that this APe posted:

Shame on you ABC! Shame on you for your latest quest for ratings at any cost: Find My Family. The show’s claim to be “bringing families back together” undermines the essence of what a family is. For an adoptive family, this assumption shreds away at our children’s security; a security we have carefully nurtured all of their lives...

Ummm...really, the children's security or your own?

It is a dangerous despicable concept that benefits a few at the risk of traumatizing the many.

Traumatizing the many entitled APes, you mean...

Adoptive families are not temporary custodians of a child until they are “found” by their “family”. The host actually said, “I believe that every adopted person’s dream is to be found”. That is pretty presumptuous and insulting.

Actually, it is pretty accurate and dead-on. How many adoptees has this nitwit actually talked to in her life, I wonder?

Are you suggesting that they are lost?

Does one really have to state the obvious?

Adult adoptees and biological relatives can find each other, if they so choose, through confidential and private means. This should certainly be supported if initiated and requested by both adults parties. If the makers of this show truly had that as the intention, then start a web site and/or organization to assist them if need be.

Um, hello dingbat, there ARE multitudes of reunion registries, message boards, seach angels, private investigators, etc. etc. that do just this. The problem is, it DOES NOT WORK. Ever hear of sealed records? What if one or the other is deceased; can they give their consent from the grave? What if one or the other doesn't know about reunion registries or use the internet or has the funds to pay an expensive search just to let a 3rd-party (with no real desire to see two people reunite) handle all of this oh-so-personal communication?

Adoption is a very difficult personal and private mutual decision made by the biological and adoptive parents in the best interest of a human being; a child.

But we don't stay children forever. Eventually we DO grow up and we DO have a right to our opinion on this "mutual decision" in which we had NO SAY.

Adoption is forever.

Unfortunately you're right. An adopted person has no recourse whatsoever if they should, upon adulthood (or even before) decide that they want no part of their adoptive family. We are forced into this familial relationship, a contract is signed FOR us when we are minors, and there is no opt-out clause.

There are laws wisely ensuring confidentiality to protect the children and their families.

The ONLY reason these confidentiality laws came into place was to "protect" the APes from the shame of infertility. And supposedly to "protect" the adoptee from the "stain of illegitimacy." It's the 21st century, we don't really care who's a bastard any more. Methinks you just want "protection" from losing money on your investment.

The first episode assisted a couple in locating their biological daughter. What would you have done if that woman’s parents hadn’t told her she was adopted?

And what kind of heartless, irresponsible, greedy people would not give a child..."their" child...her truth? Would YOU want to have a life-altering secret kept from you all our life?

She had not sought to find her birthparents. What if she wasn’t ready, or interested, or was upset by your intrusive behavior?

Or what if she was wanting to be found by her n-parents instead? What if she was afraid to search? What if she had greedy, needy, entitled APes such as yourself who would slap her down at the mere mention of curiosity about her biology?

If someone asks you to locate their birth parents, what would you do if you discovered painful facts regarding a person’s birth? Like incest? Or rape? Or drug use? What if the biological parent were a mass murderer? Would you tell them? Would you put that on the air? Do you play God and decide who/what you reveal to whom?

Whatever the "truth" is, it is that adopted person's truth. Period. And they are entitled to it, to know the truth of their origins, just like every other non-adopted person. We adoptees are not fragile little pieces of glass, we are actually quite sturdy, and allowing us to know and work through OUR truth is only going to make us stronger and healthier in the end.

I can deal with and process what I KNOW much better than what I DON'T know.

What if the person you find did not want to be found?

They have every right to not have any contact with each other. That's the beauty of this country, we are free to associate with whomever we choose. They can always just say no.

What gives you the right to surprise someone and omnisciently call it your “mission” to bring “families” back together?

What gives YOU the right to speak for adoptees or n-parents?

Maybe some stones are better left unturned.

And maybe you should dig a little deeper and figure out just WHY you are having such a strong reaction to something that is quite obviously highly important to millions of family members separated by adoption.

The manipulation and abuse of these people continue...

I think separating babies from their mothers is manipulation and abuse, personally.

In the show, they need to “reunite” and they hug under a proverbial “family tree”. In the first episode the young woman’s biological parents were currently an intact family unit; along with the look-alike biological siblings (Was this a set up? They had the same haircut and exactly the same highlights?). In reality this fairytale story is far from typical.

And again, how would you know? That's my "truth"...married n-parents, full sibling, the whole shebang. In fact I know of a few other adoptees who discovered their "truth" and found the exact same thing. The hypothetical "drug abusing birth mother" is actually what is far from typical. MOST n-moms (and dads) are decent, upright, successful human beings who just found themselves without the support and encouragement to raise their much-loved baby.

This is just another exploitive ploy in the hopes of increasing ratings and sponsorship. I suggest that American’s are savvier than that.. I look forward to ABC doing the responsible thing and taking Finding My Family off the air.

Sorry to burst your bubble, but this is just the beginning. I hope Americans will finally come to realize just how much damage adoption and it's secrecy and lies does to adoptees and their n-families. And I hope you do us a favor and take yourself and your hideous comments off the internet.

A little recap

So, I met up with nmom a few days ago.

All I can say is...wow. It went SO well, we were both SO at ease, and we did a lot of talking. A LOT. I can feel myself being more and more able to open up to her, and vice versa. I don't think we have ever actually been truly just one on one before, so that probably plays a huge role, but...

I was a little newborn infant once. Did you know that? I didn't, well ok I did but I never really felt it or could identify with the newborn me, until after Wednesday night. She told me about the day I was born, how they had to interrupt a parade (yes I am a real show stopper!) and then they took her to the wrong hospital, so she made them take me to the one she wanted to deliver me at.

She told me she never forgot my first cry and how she breathed a huge sigh of relief. And I was such a small baby, and so beautiful, and my dad's father came down there the very next day to see me.

I was NOT unwanted. I WAS loved.

This alone is enough to really help me connect to my birth. I feel so much more real now, so much more, I don't know, valid? More than I ever have in my life.

Another thing that really struck me is the importance that she is putting on me getting my OBC. She had NO idea that it was sealed and unavailable to me, none whatsoever. I even alluded to the forum and the Adoptee Rights work that so many of my fellow adoptees are doing to unseal our records, and she seemed genuinely on board with that. So in a couple weeks I am going to meet her, she is going to accompany me to the courthouse and sign whatever document she needs to sign, and then she is going to let me take her to Ikea. :) She wants to spend the whole day together, just the two of us, doing the things that real moms and daughters do. I can't wait.

There is more, but I need to process a little further.

Deal with it

I was linked recently to an adoptive parent's blog, I don't have the address handy (okay, okay, I'm just too lazy to go get it and I really don't want to create some inter-blog posting/commenting thing anyway) where the purpose of her blog, from what I can gather, was to help other adoptive parents deal with their adoptees' issues of separation, grief, loss, etc.

Well that's cool, I'm pretty down with that.

But what I hope that this parent, and the readers of that blog and all the adoptive parents out there realize, is that how I, and every adoptee "deals" with our adoptee issues is not a consistent thing. There are variables...depending on the adoptee's age (I don't think most people can truly even grasp the magnitude of what being adopted even IS until you've reached some level of maturity, say, at least into your teens); to your mood, the events that have shaped your life thus far, etc. and so on and so forth.

The post that this AP took to her blog was just a snapshot of my feelings that I happened to write about on a particular day. I was feeling a little tired of the overall societal view against adoptees reuniting, particularly my own good friend thinking it is so inappropriate, simply because, why, I am adopted? So I shouldn't miss the woman who gave birth to me, who I did bond with in utero, who I did LOSE and therefore have a right to miss and want some part of her in my life?

But at the same time, some days, I am quite surprisingly normal. Some days, I don't think about it. I don't miss her, I don't care if I talk to her ever again, or see her, or ever hear her voice. Some days, I could care less. Other days, not so much. There are days when it's all I can do to get out of bed.

But the important thing is that those days happen...in between the good days, when I seem to be not affected, when I seem to be the "normal, happy adoptee" that everyone likes to see and everyone is most comfortable with, sometimes it is there. Sometimes, I do get mad that I was abandoned, that I was given away, that I feel second-best and inadequate and like a huge failure as a human being because my own mother didn't want me.

It doesn't have to be there EVERY DAY to mean that it ISN'T THERE. I don't have to talk about it verbally or openly for it to mean that it ISN'T THERE. And, I NEVER would have told my adoptive parents, because, OMG that would have hurt her, crushed her, that would have shaken the very foundations on which our relationship was built (not that this is probably true, but as an adoptee? The LAST thing you want to do is hurt your aparents, because if your own mother could abandon you, what's to stop them from doing it too?)

But really, I didn't even begin to explore or even acknowledge a lot of these feelings until I was well into my 20's, after reunion, after I had children of my own. As a child, I was pretty satisfied with the whole "She gave you up because she couldn't take care of you" and "she was just too young and she loved you so much she wanted you to have a good life" kind of blah blah blah. But as I got older, and ESP. after having my own babies, I just realized, how could anyone give away your own child?

How?

So, just in case anyone from that other blog ventures here and reads beyond the one post, I hope you take this to heart. If your little one doesn't seem too affected now, don't take it as a sign he or she will never be. If he or she doesn't talk about it, don't think it may not be there. Adoptees are masters at hiding our true feelings, we are pros at stuffing and masking and burying this stuff.

But don't take it from me.

I'm just one adoptee who's been doing this stuff for the last 35 years.

Step it up, mom

First I want to apologize to my readers.

I closed my blog temporarily because I was not blogging, and didn't want any ambush comments from freaky weirdos popping up while I was not around.

But, I am back for now, hopefully I will be able to get around to writing more.

But I want to talk about first mothers.

Specifically, reunion and first mothers.

There is some debate out there about who's responsible for what when it comes to keeping the relationship going; adoptees should be more considerate of their mothers, mothers should be more considerate of their children, it goes on and on. Both sides want the validation we seek and deserve.

But I want to talk about MY mother.

We reunited in 1996. I found her, well I paid the agency to find her, so I initiated the reunion. It went well at first, then into the first year she cut all contact with me.

Called me up and just like that, told me she didn't have time for me in her life.

So, being the good little respectful adoptee, I obliged, and let her ignore me for the next decade. For over ten years I put up with this bullshit. And that's what it is...it is BULLSHIT.

She was hiding, avoiding her feelings, avoiding her guilt, avoiding her shame. Avoiding ME so she didn't have to deal with it.

And where did that leave me...abandoned as an infant, abandoned again as an adult, while she played the victim? Now tell me, as an adoptee, how much of this do I really have to put up with? I think ten years is enough. And after a teeny tiny semi-re-reunion this year, she is back to ignoring me yet again.

Enough.

Sorry, mother, but I am tired of being left with the emotional fallout for your inability to deal with the adoption. This was YOUR doing. Did I walk out of your vagina as an infant and put MYSELF up for adoption? I don't think so.

Grow up and take some goddamn responsibility. You could start by apologizing, a simple, "I'm sorry adoption has hurt you so much" would be nice, even if you thought it was the right thing to do back then, it has hurt ME and your actions since reunion have hurt ME.

If I bump into someone with my grocery cart, even though I didn't intend to hurt them, I at least say, "Oops I'm sorry," why can't our mothers apologize to us for the pain they caused us by giving us away?

Adoption Sucks and I am Afraid of My Own Mother

I spent the better part of Tuesday writing, deleting, and rewriting the same damn email to my mother.

All I really want is to see her; but do you think I can bring myself to ask for that?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Riiiiiiiigggggggght.

I am an adoptee who is afraid of her own mother. Is that not the most pathetic, moronic, idiotic thing you've read in the adoption-blog land? I think it probably has to be, for me, and I am a bit ashamed of myself for even writing it.

It is so hard for me to even send her a simple email to say, Hey Ma, what are you doing for the 4th? Are you going to be around? Can we maybe get together, do lunch, take the kids to the zoo?

For most normal people, this would be second nature, they wouldn't even put any thought into typing the words and hitting send (or picking up the phone and asking) but for me, this is an agonizing process, sometimes taking WEEKS to compose the words, figuring out how to not make them sound too needy, or demanding, or if I'm asking too much of her too soon.

I obsess over this and go through our past emails and figure out who emailed who last, and how long ago, because I don't want to do too much, I do not want to rush things this time around. I over-analyze and calculate and when all is set and ready and looking just-so, I delete it.

I am so full of self-doubt and fear that this relationship could crumble that I sit back and do nothing. I am frozen. I don't trust myself, I don't trust HER, I don't trust this relationship.

And really, why should I? She walked away from me not once, but twice. The very first birthday we had together, the original one, I was left all alone in a sterile hospital, crying for my mother.

The next birthday we had together 24 years later, she left me again, calling me on the phone to tell me she doesn't have time for me in her life.

She tells me she loves me, but I have a hard time believing it. I just don't buy it. I WANT to believe it, I WANT to feel those words and know that what she says is true, but some part of me just doubts it to my core.

I don't trust her, and I don't trust us.

Not yet.

And with birthday number 35 coming up, will the cycle continue?

I want to ask her if we can spend some time together on or around that day. But that scares me more than anything. Will she turn me down? Walk away from me again? I think just being turned down will be more painful than not doing anything and sitting here longing for her.

And, god, I am all grown up and still longing for my mother like a little kid.

How screwed up is that.

Adoption sucks, and I am afraid of my mother. Afraid of losing her, again, for the third time. Because if it happens again, there will be no more chances, of that I am sure.

I have a picture I keep on my computer here at work. Gran sent it to me,
about a year ago, it's a picture of her, her nephew, and her son. It was
one of the last pictures to be taken of my father before he died, and in it he
looked happy. Genuinely, positively, happy.

For a short while after his passing she sent me quite a few pictures. It's funny in a way, because before he died, I couldn't pry anything out of her about him...not a word, not a single photograph, not a peep. She was silent as a stone where he was concerned. I think in her grief, reaching out to me was a way to somehow connect with her lost son...I don't know. But if she only knew just how much of her boy was in his long lost daughter, she'd be amazed. It amazes me every time I find out more about him.

Your words to me just a whisper; your face is so unclear

I try to pay attention; your words just disappear

I don't really remember much about my father. The day we met, it's mostly all a blur to me now. I don't even remember the name of the place we were at. I remember the look on his face when we first walked in, I remember somehow ending up at a booth, I remember our hands being palm-to-palm and him remarking how much I look like my brother.

The rest? Like a videotape that has been erased, recorded over. I know he was unhappy. He was a man who's life held no joy; he had nothing and nobody. He was angry at my mother too. That was painfully obvious. Old resentments, old hurts, he still had plenty.

Cause it's always raining in my head;

forget all the things I should have
said

But it wasn't until after he passed away that winter that I really, truly got to know the man. As my Aunt stood up there and gave a truly wonderful memorial speech, I was amazed at just how much I am my father's daughter. From the little things he liked, to his dramatic personality, to his very snarky and blunt way of speaking, to his intolerance of stupid people and his hating being the center of attention and being around crowds of people. We both are cat lovers, he thought dogs are for idiots, I think my dog IS an idiot.

He was a very straight forward and no-b.s. individual. I am too...most of the time. Although I did inherit a very emotional streak from my mother, and a tendency to hide from my emotions, I will give her that. When it comes to my problems, I avoid, avoid, avoid.

Cause I can't take any more of this; I wanna come
apart

And dig myself a little hole inside your precious
heart

The whole point of this post?

I miss my father. I miss a man I never knew, never had a chance to know. I am mad at adoption, mad at death, mad at myself for never trying hard enough, never doing or saying the right things, just, never being GOOD enough.

My father drank himself to death. He was depressed, angry, and felt he had nothing left to live for. Could I have changed that? Could I have given him a reason to want to go on living? Possibly, I don't know, but could I have at least tried a little harder to be in his life?

Cause I talk to you like children, though I don't know how I
feel

But I know I'll do the right thing, if the right thing is
revealed

I could have. I SHOULD have. But I am a chicken, I am always afraid. I was afraid of him and afraid of my family. Afraid of looking like a fool, of being too pushy, of being to 'needy' or emotional or whatever. I doubted myself to the nth degree. And still I do, even with my mother. I am the biggest wuss you'll ever meet.

I'm so sorry, father, for not being there for you. I wish so much that I could have done something, anything, to let you know what you mean to me. Maybe you didn't know it but you were loved, you still are.

Just too bad it has to be by your inadequate daughter.

More Religious Adoption Spew

This individual (who is presumptuous enough to call herself the "Third Eve"...heresy, anyone?) stopped by Irish's blog and left a rather idiotic and completely rude comment the other day.

Of course, I had to check out HER blog to see just what place she was coming from, and just as I suspected, it was filled with bible quotes and pretty pictures of angelic children. Ahhhh, even the adoption agencies themselves would be jealous.

I mean, really. Going off on "real" mothers (hmm, inferiority complex much?) and whining about adoptees not, what, seeing the whole picture?

What is there to see?

That we were abandoned, given up to strangers, and that we have a very real, VALID, pain and anger for that?

I suppose she assumes that only "happy" adoptees are "balanced" and that us "angry" types need God, oh pity the poor unbalanced adoptee who is angry and in pain, don't we know that everyone feels pain from time to time? Pfffft.

You know I find it interesting that she starts her post off with

"a real mother will put her child’s life above her own. "

That's something that thousands of n-mothers do every day, giving up their children for adoption, sometimes for good reasons, sometimes they don't have much of a choice at all.

But she said it herself, these are the REAL mothers.

Not the ones who are waiting in the wings to snatch them up, and justify it with "God told me to".

I find it amusing that these people use scripture to try to validate themselves and their love for adoption.

Exodus 22:21-23 (New International Version)
22 "Do not take advantage of a widow or an orphan. 23 If you do and they cry out to me, I will certainly hear their cry.

Yet thousands of "widows and orphans" are taken advantage of every day, in the name of adoption.

Jeremiah 49:11
Leave your orphans; I will protect their lives. Your widows too can trust in me."

Nope, don't see God telling you to snatch up children there.

# Deuteronomy 10:18
He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the alien, giving him food and clothing.

Hmmm...seems God wants us to HELP these poor unfortunates, not help ourselves TO them, as in this passage:

# Job 24:9
The fatherless child is snatched from the breast; the infant of the poor is seized for a debt.

Try to justify it all you want, but adoptin' fer da Lord is nothing but hypocritical.

If you TRULY want to be Christlike, you'd be helping families stay together, not ripping them apart.

But is it safe?

I love amusement parks.

I have since I was a kid. I remember going up to the local one here, it was an annual tradition with the church youth group, and my friend Stacy and I were completely inseparable and we'd hit every roller coaster and loopy ride we could hit in as short as time possible.

Of course we'd have to be really dumb teenagers and talk in this fake Australian accent the whole time, we were pretending to be foreign exchange students, oh we were a hit with the boys (because teenage boys are the most gullible of the species and who could resist two young blondes who were supposedly from Down Under, mate?) lol.

Yeah, those were the days. Free from our parents, running wild through the park, flirting with boys, and winding up sick to our stomachs from so much junk food and thrill rides.

Ahhh, youth. I'm so glad I am all growed up and beyond that.

Did you know that every year, there are hundreds of injuries at amusement parks and traveling fairs? Maybe you know someone, probably you don't, but I'm sure we've all at least heard of them.

The 4 year old kid who died at Disney; the girl who lost her feet on the Zipper.

Did you also know that while traveling fairs and amusement parks have regulated safety regulations, the stationary parks do not? Most don't have any, while some are left to provide their own safety checks. It is kind of scary, when you think about it.

Lately there has been more attention to this, some of the injured people have been bringing this to the public eye and trying to pass stricter safety regulations on these parks and the individual rides. And I would agree that that is a good thing.

Wouldn't you?

I would think that almost all of us would agree that when you go to an amusement park, you expect that the car won't come off the track or your limbs won't be severed. Our safety should be paramount, not an afterthought.

We wouldn't tell these injured people to shut up and just get over it, because they had a "bad experience", would we?

Yet that's what thousands of adoptees are told every single day, when we try to speak up about the pain that adoption has caused us in our lives.

Yet if something was hurting your child, or ANY child, wouldn't you think that people would want to do something about it? Why does society keep burying their collective heads in the sand when it comes to this issue? Is it because, unlike those injured by amusement park rides, our injuries are emotional, and not out there where everyone can see them?

It would stand to reason that if adoption is hurting the adopted, then something is wrong with the system. Something needs to be fixed, we need better safety controls, we need stricter regulation.

But nobody is listening, and the entire adoption amusement park is still operating, unregulated, hurting and injuring adoptee after adoptee as the giant ferris wheel keeps turning and turning, collecting child after child and dropping them off into the hands of waiting adopters.

Is "family building" really more important than the health of the building blocks themselves?

Forgiveness

Jeni brought up a very interesting topic the other day on AFC, and it's had me thinking long and hard about the subject ever since. Its' about forgiveness...and how, and should, we forgive our mothers for the pain they've caused us?

Now Jeni's situation is different from mine. Her mother rejected her in a really, really bad way upon reunion. So in Jeni's case, I'd say she has a really good cause to say, hey Ma, f-you and the horse's ass you rode in on. But at the same time, holding on to that anger is not a fun way to live, and I'm not speaking FOR Jeni here, I'm speaking for myself and any adoptee who has had a hard time letting go of their anger at being relinquished, being rejected a second time, or any variation or combination of events in between.

How do we do it?

How do we forgive someone for doing us SO wrong?

I guess I've always been a forgiving person, so for me, forgiveness came easy. But I see a lot of my online adoptee friends struggle with this issue, and I've really begun to take notice.

It was this statement by Katmandu that really got me thinking:

I don't really know what it is. Sometimes when ppl say to forgive, what they seem to mean is just get over it.

I mean, wow. What exactly IS forgiveness, really? What does it really mean? Is it as she said...to just get over it? Like we as adoptees have heard, over and over, our entire lives?

That gave me reason to pause.

When my mother called me on my birthday, a year into reunion, and told me she didn't have time for me in her life, I was hurt. Hurt, and in time I became angry. I couldn't accept that she would DO that to me. It was a horrible feeling...of having a mother I loved so much and wanted so desparately in my life yet I had no recourse, no possible way to resolve this. She was just gone and it was her choice, I was left to deal with these feelings of love, loss, longing, and unmet needs from my childhood, and it was like someone holding my head under the water and I could not draw breath. That is how it felt for a very, very long time.

How could I forgive her for doing this to me?

And what would that mean for me...would I just get over it? How does someone just get over that? CAN they?

I suppose for me, it was easier. I knew that she also loved me, and that her reasons were emotional ones. For adoptees like Jeni, the reasons are less clear. Her mother hasn't given her any reason to think that there is guilt or love on her end.

So I am struggling with this. What does it really mean to forgive. I think I take it for granted to know "how" to forgive, but what does it really entail? I couldn't begin to tell someone like Jeni how to do it, how to reach a place of forgiveness.

But I know that for me, personally, living with a lot of anger inside is like living with a dangerous toxin in my veins. I can't be myself, at least not a good version of me. I HAVE to forgive in order to protect who I am and those I love around me, or I become a very bad version of Lillie.

If it's not "getting over it", is it acceptance? Acceptance that the person who wronged us will not change, and that we can never do anything to change the situation? Is it saying, "Ok, you did this, and I'm not going to let it affect me anymore"?

But how do you NOT let it affect you when, for Jeni, it affects her SO much?

This is so hard.

Adoption is so hard.

I wish there were easy answers, I wish I could find the answer for her, and for so many adoptees in her situation.

Just how does an adoptee forgive?

Abolish Adoption?

There seems to be some kind of misunderstanding in the midst of the adoption reformers (or, "angry adoptees lol) and the rest of the world, those who love adoption and don’t see anything wrong with it at all look at the reformers and think we’d all like to see it go away completely, be abolished, leave no other alternative for those poor, unwanted, unloved, homeless, orphaned, abused, neglected children.

Obviously, adoption has to be an option; there will always be a need for loving and stable homes. Oh, there are some people who truly do feel that adoption should go away completely, and some days, I tend to sway in that direction, but in reality, I know there is always a need for it. It just needs some tweaking, the furniture needs to be rearranged, the place needs a renovation.

A recent question over on the barf-fest that is Yahoo! Answers really tickled my funny bone (and not in a delightful way) and got me to thinking…if this person thinks that the pro-reform group has it backwards, then, WOW, he/she should take a long, hard look in the gilded mirror. This person states,

“Why do some adoptees want to ban adoption? I mean are they so angry they cannot see that adoption can benefit many? Can they not see outside their own “pain” that not everyone in the adoption industry is evil, not every decision to relinquish was forced? Do they honestly believe the foster care system is preferable? Or are they being influenced by b mothers groups, whose recollections of events may be hazed by regret and guilt?”

I don’t know where to start with this one. I mean, idiots come in all shapes and sizes, and I’d say that judging by this post, this idiot must be quite well rounded.

So I’ll just start at the beginning: Why do some adoptees want to ban adoption? I mean are they so angry they cannot see that adoption can benefit many?

Yes, start with the “angry adoptee” stereotype, always effective. Good show. Clap, clap. And just who is adoption benefiting…lawyers? Adoption agencies? I won’t argue with you there, bud. Yes, I’m sure there are MORE than a few happy adoption workers, whistling all the way to the bank. Oh, and let’s not forget the adopters, yes, it works out well for them too, they get that shiny new baybee, all cute and warm and smelling like oozing green shit.

Can they not see outside their own “pain” that not everyone in the adoption industry is evil, not every decision to relinquish was forced?

No, I can’t see outside my own pain. Neither can my n-mother, but thanks for your caring and compassion, I see that you must be one of those non-evil types, I can feel the love oozing from your pores. I wish you had adopted me, not.

Do they honestly believe the foster care system is preferable?

Preferable to what…having my name changed, my birth certificate altered and the original one sealed and locked away from me? Having my records made unavailable to me? Having my entire genealogy, my medical history, my social background become a huge secret that is ILLEGAL for me to know? Because I guess yeah, I’d rather know than be treated like a criminal for wanting to know.

Do you have to have a piece of paper to PROVE you are a parent, or can you love a child without it?

Or are they being influenced by b mothers groups, whose recollections of events may be hazed by regret and guilt?

This is a funny one. Regret and guilt…GEE DO YA THINK MORON?? Pffffffft.

I don’t need anyone to influence me, btw. I am an adult who is fully capable of forming my own opinions and thoughts, thank you very much. But thanks for treating me like an incapable child, again, you must be one of those non-evil types, I can still feel the love. Mmmmm.

You know, I thought some more about this idiot’s ranting and the same logic could be applied to those silly angry mothers who formed that dumb little thing called MADD.

I mean, why do some angry mothers want to stop everyone from driving home from the bar after a night of drunken debauchery just because one or two of them might have lost one of their kids? Can’t these mothers not see beyond their own pain that not EVERY drunken person who drives home ends up killing somebody? Or are they being influenced by AA members, whose memories are hazed by too many tequila shots and guilt about getting a little too flirty with every man in the bar?

Yeah. Why spoil the fun for all the adopters just because a few adoptees are hurt by being adopted, right?

Because it’s ALLLLL about the children.

Sure.

Would you Spy?

If you could spy on an adoptee, would you?

If it was the child you adopted, or the child you gave up for adoption...would you read their most private thoughts and feelings?

If you stumbled upon their blog, or perhaps a message board where that individual had been posting about adoption issues, feelings surrounding an upcoming reunion, feelings of abandonment or fear of rejection...would you read their words if you figured out that it was YOUR child posting it?

This has happened recently on AFC, and although the posting was placed on an area that is public, I am nonetheless a little pissed about it. That this adoptee's nmother found her postings and read them, then used it as an excuse to back out of a reunion visit, is...well...just pathetic.

Pathetic and really, really maddening.

She was spying, and if what she was reading was not sitting well, she should have said something to her daughter instead of just staying hidden and lurking in the background like some voyeur, then pulling away after all was said and done.

To use an adoptee's words and feelings against her like that is just spiteful, it is mean, it is hurtful.

After all, how is an adoptee supposed to EVER work through these adoption related issues? Where was she to go, if not to the adult adoptees support forum, to speak to other adoptees who understand the adoption and reunion feelings? Obviously her own MOTHER is not being supportive; no, she's too busy playing spy games and acting like a victim herself.

Adoptees as a whole were the ones who had absolutely NO SAY in any of this adoption bullshit. NO SAY in being give away, in who they were sent to live with, in what their lives were to become. We are the ones who are FORCED to live with it, FORCED to swallow the pain and the guilt and the shame of being cast out of our own families and being the band-aid for another, of shouldering that pain at the expense of never "Hurting" our adoptive family, and then holding back and being ever so cautious so we don't hurt or intrude on our original family if we do decide to try to reunite.

FUCK!

We walk on goddamn eggshells EVERYWHERE we go, so we don't hurt ANYONE, and when does ANYONE, EVER, consider OUR goddamn feelings? Huh?? WHEN???

I'll tell you...

NEVER.

And this is a prime example. This adoptee was posting in an adoptee support forum, trying to be mindful of her n-family because she didn't want to bring things up to them and "hurt" anyone, she was just trying to work through her fears and anxieties, and look what happens. She gets spied on by her own mother and she slams the door shut in her face, all because, I don't know, I guess this adoptee was wrong to want to work through her own feelings.

Fuck that.

If you have an adopted person in your life, it's about time you start giving them space to explore their feelings. Don't pry, don't SPY, and for god's sake, don't play the guilting games.

I'm sorry for what happened on AFC...and shame on that sneaky, deceitful n-mother for doing what she did. Shame, shame, shame.

Grow up.

Right to Life...But Not to Live?

The argument that many, if not most, adoption supporters will use when stating their case is that every child has a "right to life". This usually follows on the heels of a staunch anti-abortion stance, in which these adoption lovers yammer on about these unborn babies and how they all deserve a chance to live, and adoption is the great win-win solution to ending their lives.

Even anti-abortion legislation gives the right to life of an unborn child, seemingly, greater weight than those rights of the already living...namely the woman carrying this forming being. Some anti-choice mongers would go so far as to even force a woman to carry to term if it means sacrificing her own health and well being, because the developing fetus within her carries MORE of a right to life than she herself, the fully-formed, already breathing, surviving, tax-paying human being.

But this isn't an argument about whether or not abortion should or shouldn't be legal. That's for another day.

No, this is about rights...and where the seem to stop being important.

Because I what I want to know is, where are all these staunch supporters of the rights of these unborn, these fetuses, these children, once the children are brought into the world? What happens to these children's rights once they ARE born and become (ahem) adoptees?

Seems like nobody is taking up the torch for their rights once they pass through the birth canal.

Because the right to LIVE is not nearly as important as the right to LIFE, is it?

Case in point: these people who would force a woman to bring a child into the world and give her baby to strangers are the very SAME people who would fight to PROHIBIT these children, once grown, from obtaining their original birth certificates, from reuniting with their biological families, from reconnecting with their roots.

People like KATHLEEN HOY FOLEY, who wrote this disgusting article for the Daily Record, posing as a "birthmother", (http://www.dailyrecord.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080525/OPINION03/805250317/1096/OPINION),

but it's interesting to note that she ALSO has her signature on an Ohio Right to Life advertisement. Seems she is quite the staunch supporter of the Right to Life and, interestingly, quite strongly anti-adoptee. http://www.columbusrighttolife.org/Signature%20Ad%202008/SigAd%20final%201.pdf

So which is it, Kathleen? Are you a New Jersey "birth" mother or an Ohio right-to-lifer? I'd like to know; I'm sure there are many others as well.

And you have your various religious and church groups who also are in the right to life camp, yet oppose the right to open records and, well, the right to LIVE for adoptees. So they support fetuses, but oppose the already born.

Funny.

So I wonder why that is...why on one hand, we have people so strongly pulling for "our" (as in, the "adoptee") right to life, and yet, once we are born and placed in our loving homes, we are no longer supported in our right to LIVE? To live our lives, the way WE see fit, to access OUR histories and records and roots, to be the people WE were born to be?

Can someone answer that for me? Why does the right to life stop as soon as life begins?

A Case for Adoption Reform

See my original post at http://antiadoption.wordpress.com/2008/05/26/a-case-for-adoption-reform/

I wrote this blog piece for Antiadoption, but I wanted to also highlight it here.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Straight from the horse’s mouth.

I’d like to thank Lori Tay, a somewhat recent commenter to Anti-Adoption, for her very honest and poignant comment. It took a lot of courage and guts for her to be so truthful about how infertile couples TRULY feel about adoption and the little adoptees they may someday choose to bring into their lives, and I think it’s this type of hard-hitting, brutal honesty that we all need to see exactly why adoption isn’t the great thing that it’s hyped up to be.

Thank you, Lori. Honestly.

For those of you who haven’t seen Lori’s comment, here it is, copied for you:

Anti-adoption advocates hate infertile couples in general, seeing us as the problem. What they fail to realize is that many, many infertile couples have NO desire at all to adopt. For us, adoption would only be a VERY LAST RESORT.

That’s right, birthmothers - your child would be a last resort for us, whether you like that or not. Your child is not the great prize you may think he is. What most of us want most is our own biological child!

Thank God for advances in reproductive medicine. IVF success rates are improving all the time. I predict in the future there will be a lot fewer people adopting or fostering children, because they will be able to have their own child.

What Lori said is so deep and profound, it makes one wonder why ANYONE would place an innocent child in the home of an infertile couple. Kind of dispels the myth of the “win-win” situation, doesn’t it?

But what Lori brings up here is a fact that far too many adoptees already know…that we really ARE second best, we ARE the last resort, that our adopters really would have rather had their own. Too many adoptees are growing up in homes where they are not treated well, are not loved, and are, well, to put it frankly, either physically or emotionally abused because their adopters chose the consolation prize…adoption.

Thanks Lori for bringing it to us straight from the infertile horse’s mouth. What so many adoptees have tried to say, and has fallen on deaf ears, might finally be heard from the infertile mouth itself.

DON’T stop telling your truth, please.

How in the world could any adoption agency or social worker in good conscience, ever place a child in the home of someone with this much anger and animosity toward that very child? But it happens, it happens every day, and who pays the price? That innocent baby. That second choice, that last resort, pays the price for not being the biological offspring that their adopters wanted SO badly.

And if we complain, if we want to know OUR biological family, oh boy, do we hear about it. Shut up and be grateful, don’t hurt your adopters, you know the drill. Can’t win either way.

So it’s attitudes like this that lurk just below the surface…hidden, festering, simmering, eating away, but only a few, like Lori, have the guts to be honest about it.

I wish more did.

Maybe then we’d stop ripping families apart just so that someone else could get their consolation prize, and what little consolation it turns out to be.

Mom

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 5/14/08)

I have been meaning to write about this for a while now. Mother's Day has come and gone, and it always leaves me with a mixture of feelings.

May 10, 1997. That was the day my mom died. It was a Friday, 2 days before Mother's Day that year. I remember it well...the cancer had been making quite a steady progress at replacing the skin and tissue of her chest with hard, brown callousy tumor cells. She showed them to me one day, the were growing on the outside too, they were scabby looking. I was spending my nights in the day-bed that we set up in the small living room off the dining room, listening to Nick at Nite play on her television, waiting for the sound of that little bell she would ring if she needed me.

And it rang, too often it rang in those last couple of weeks. The morphine wasn't helping. She didn't know where she was. She wondered if she had died or if she was still alive. All through the night, between episodes of I Love Lucy and the Munsters, the bell would ring, and I would go to her.

And we would hug, and cry, we knew the end was near.

I spent my days doing much the same thing...although I also had my brother to look after, my recently blinded and brain damaged brother, the accident that took his vision and half his brain happened on May 9, 1996, one year before Mom died. Our Dad died in July, about a month after my brother came home, so it was just me, my blind brother, and my dying mother. I was taking care of all of us.

Not the easiest of tasks for a 23 year old, but I was glad to do it. I would do anything for my beautiful mom.

I didn't go to the cemetery after the funeral. I just couldn't do it. Everybody telling me how sorry they are, people I didn't know, didn't remember, or who I knew and had never heard jack shit from my entire life, yeah, they're sorry, well this was the second mom I had lost, and I just couldn't stand another second of it. Not one more second. But it wasn't really me they were sorry for, no, it was my brother. My poor, blind, brain-damaged brother, because everyone knew that HE wasn't adopted, HE was the one who lost his REAL mother, HE lost SO MUCH that day. Even to this day, people ask about poor M...he lost his mom and dad, how is he doing, yet they don't stop to think that I did too. The bastard adopted freak child lost something, too.

Because I did love my a-parents, I love them still. I am sitting here typing this in the very room where my amom drew her last breath. Outside my picture window is where my adad's heart stopped beating on that sunny Thursday in July. This is where I grew up, this is home, this is where my memories lie.

Yet part of me sometimes feels like a big, fat, adoptee traitor. And I know that's silly...but sometimes when I'm out there, fighting the fight, blogging and message-boarding about adoptee rights and about adoption pain, I feel like a traitor in two senses...one, a traitor to my a-parents, and the other, a traitor to the adoptees.

I have learned to separate my loathing for adoption from my love for my adoptive family. I know that it is the separation from my family, and not them, that has caused my pain...and it is my struggles with reunion and my n-mom's issues that cause me pain, not them or anything they ever did.

But on the same note, I feel that I should somehow not love my adoptive family if I am to be any sort of champion for adoptee rights. That having this "good" adoptive family, and these fond memories, somehow makes me traitorous or not worthy to take up the torch for my fellow adoptees. I feel like a poser, like I don't measure up, like I don't belong here.

And I don't know how to tell my n-mom anything about my a-parents without feeling like I am hurting her or making her feel bad in any way...because truth be told, as much as I love my adoptive family, I just would rather have never been adopted. But how could I ever say that without hurting THEM?

This shit is so hard.

So, so incredibly hard. And it makes me feel like an asshole no matter which way I look at it.

Maybe life would be easier if I were back in the fog.

Happy Adoptees

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 4/12/08)

How many times have you heard it?

"Well, my best friend's cousin's hairdresser is adopted, and she's perfectly happy about it!"

"I have had a great adoption experience...both my brothers were adopted!!"

"I have a couple of dear friends who were adopted, and both of them are so happy and well adjusted!"

They are everywhere, everybody knows at least one. The happy, well-adjusted adoptee. Your best friend, the hairdresser in the salon, the clerk in the grocery store. Always happy, never a complaint, they are the epitomy of well-adjustedness.

Just the other day, someone was telling me that every adoptee she knows (except for one, because he had a "bad experiece" with adoptive parents who lied to him so he doesn't count) is happy, well-adjusted and thankful.

But I wonder...for every person who has a story like this to tell, I have to wonder just whether or not these people have ever actually asked the adopted person how they actually feel. You know, sat down, had a heart-to-heart, gotten into those deep, dark recesses of the adoptee's soul where the adoptee ISN'T afraid of or tired of hearing "Oh but you had such GREAT ADOPTIVE PARENTS" or "BUT YOU COULD HAVE BEEN ABORTED!!" or "HOW COULD YOU HURT YOUR ADOPTIVE PARENTS LIKE THAT???" if they ever dare to speak a hint of their true feelings.

Ever done that? Have you ever even asked the adopted person how they feel?

Have you ever used those lines on them? You know, the be grateful, coulda been aborted, don't upset the AP's? Yeah? Hmpf, then don't expect to think that what you ever hear from the adoptee to be the truth.

I think that every single person that I know would probably tell you that I am happy and thankful to be adopted. Without a doubt in their mind, oh yeah, I'm one of those happy adoptees. I had super-terrific adoptive parents, a great upbringing, everything a kid could want.

But nobody has ever asked for the truth, and even if they did, I have no reason to give it.

Because how can you tell someone who doesn't know or understand, how it feels to know that your own mother gave you away? How can you explain that soul-crushing pain to an "outsider"?

Simple, you can't.

Happy that I was given away, my name was changed, my records sealed, and I am treated like a crime suspect for asking for them? Grateful because I can't even access a copy of my own birth certificate, grateful that I can never know if cancer runs in my family, or who my ancestors were, or where my screwy curly hair comes from or find out why I get debilitating migraines?

No, I am not grateful, nor am I happy.

But, I'll never tell you that. I'll just smile, and nod, and play the game, because that's what you want to hear, that's what makes you feel warm and cozy.

I met my mother, 11 years ago I met her. Is she happy with the "choices" she made? Hmpf, if she HAD a choice, but you know, back in the 70's and the decades prior, women didn't HAVE a CHOICE. Their babies were taken from them, stolen, coerced. Women were lied to, deceived, tricked, even downright bullied and forced into giving their babies away. They didn't have a "choice". My mother didn't have a "choice".

It destroyed her, and her ability to face me after our reunion, 11 years later and she is finally able to let go of the guilt, and we are starting to rebuilt what we started in 1996.

Adoption destroyed me. I do not trust anyone, I think everyone is going to leave me, because if my own mother didn't keep me, then why would anyone else? I do not trust anyone. I do not have friends, because I do not trust people. I am the victim, because I bend over backwards to please everyone, because I fear abandonment. I am a doormat.

But I will never tell you this, because you don't want to hear it, you only want to hear that adoption is great, and wonderful, and rainbows and happiness and win-win-win.

But it is loss.

I lost, my mother lost. And in a way, my adoptive parents lost. Because they didn't get that grateful, as-if born to daughter they were promised; they got a damaged kid with someone else's DNA, a kid who didn't look or act or sound like them, a kid who was exactly the opposite of everything they were, a kid who exasperated them and confused them and annoyed and exhausted them. They didn't understand why I wasn't what they expected. I didn't understand why I couldn't be what they wanted, and I hated myself for it. I loathed myself for it. I decided that's why my mother didn't keep me, because I am defective...I am bad, I am unworthy, I am a big worthless piece of shit. I didn't fit in, anywhere.

I cried myself to sleep so many nights, I couldn't begin to count. I yearned for the mother I never knew. I waited for her on my roof, every car that came down our road, I hoped and prayed it was her, coming to get me. I missed the woman I had never know, I wanted her so badly.

I tried to kill myself multiple times.

But you never would have known it, I hid my pain in humor, I covered my tears with laughter.

I was a "happy" adoptee.

How may happy adoptees do you know?

The Definition of Family?

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 4/5/08)

I was reading a very nice blog post today by an adoptive father about the definition of family. This gentleman was going on to explain how he had grown up with quite an extensive clan - he had a huge family and so felt he very well understood what a family meant.

Good for him; having grown up in a very small family, I always felt a little wistful about those who had big, close, loving families.

But at the same time, he went on to say that a family isn't only made up of blood. And I can agree with him - to a point.

Because for someone who grew up with a big, huge, loving family of blood relatives, how can he possibly know or understand how it is for the adoptee who has to grow up and not be related to anyone?

I wonder where his little adoptee's family comes in to any of this. Are they a part of his "family"? Does he even consider them, the people who created "his" child, the people who share a very close connection to this little adoptee?

No, family may not be only blood, but blood is definitely a major factor in determining who IS your family.

I grew up without my "family" and I missed them, terribly, every single day of my life. I yearned for them, longed for them, cried for them. Even though I had my adoptive "family", and YES I love my adoptive family, when you don't have people around you who look like you, who act like you, who ARE made up of the same stuff that you are made up of, you just, well - you feel it. It's a feeling deep within your bones that you can never really shake. Even if the family who is raising you is the best, most loving group of people you could ever have the pleasure of loving and living with, sometimes love just isn't enough.

Families are not interchangeable.

I'm sure that this man's little adoptee will grow up in a very loving household, with a huge extended adoptive family to dote on him and care for him. But I hope they realize that that little adoptee has lost something - his original family, the family he was born to, a whole group of people who share his talents, his interests, his eye color and nose and hair and same big toe. Perhaps this little adoptee will miss them too...and if he does, I hope they are sensitive to that.

And, I'm happy that this man grew up with his big, happy, blood-related family.

I just wish that I had had the same opportunity to be raised with mine.

What Adoption has Given Me - And What Adoption has Left Me With

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 4/5/08)

Adoption has given me a name. It is not really my name, the name I was born with, but it is the name I grew up with and that everyone knows me by and with which I am most accustomed. Adoption has given me a family - a borrowed family, who, for a brief moment in time, were here with me to love and guide me, to raise and teach me, to help turn me into the person I am today. They were not really ever mine; and to prove that point, fate or destiny or whatever forces there are decided to take them from me in one quick motion to drive that point home (see my "hell" category).

Adoption gave me my home. I live here, in this place where I grew up, not where I was born but where I was taken to, this little acreage outside of this little town in this farming region. Adoption gave me the people I know and the experience I had, which include growing up around those who love to garden and teaching me to have that same passion.

Adoption gave me the life I am living. It may not be a better life, it may not be a worse life, it is just a life. A different life. Because I am happy is not because of adoption, it is in spite of it. I do not have my DH and kids because of adoption, because I can't say that I never would have met him had I not been adopted; who knows? Would he have ended up in my city? Would I have moved down here eventually? If we were meant for one another, it would have happened.

But what has adoption left me with? Adoption has left me with pain...lots and lots of pain. It has left me with the knowledge that I will never, ever have the family I was born to be with. It has left me without a name, the name I was born to have, the person I was meant to be. Adoption has left me without my family - the family I was taken from and the family I was taken by, because in true adoptee fashion, everybody abandons me. By death or by adoption, I am alone.

Adoption has left me with an empty heart. A heart that doesn't know how to let people in, because it is too broken and scared of being left once again. Adoption has left me without my mother, or my father, or my siblings or grandparents or aunts and uncles...I have never had anyone around me who looks like me, or acts like me, or shares the same talents and abilities as me. Until I had my children, I've never been related to anyone.

Adoption has left me all alone.

Adoption has left me with a feeling of emptiness - a hollowness within my core that can never, ever be filled, even after reunion. Because nothing can replace the years that were lost, the years spent wondering and searching, longing for a ghost figure, dreaming and hoping, crying and agonizing.
Adoption has left me with scars.

Internal scars, the scars of a child who wondered every day why her mommy didn't love her, what was so bad about her that her own mommy would give her away. A little girl who wondered every day if her own mother loved her. Who does that? Who actually has to guess if their own parents even think about them? I'll tell you - adoptees. Because living with the knowledge that the woman who brought you into this world, the ONE PERSON who should love you unconditionally, would just give you away? It is traumatic beyond belief. No amount of love from somebody else can take that away. Nobody can soothe that hurt, nobody can make that better.

So, adoption has given me everything - everything I have. But it has left me with nothing, because nothing can make up for or replace what it has taken away.

And a Chorus of Angels were Singing

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 4/1/08)

Or some shit like that.

Yay for my wonderful, sweet, adorable friend Heather! Another successful reunion just happened this night, Heather called her mother for the first time, and let's just say her mother was quite thrilled to hear from her baby daughter.

I love these stories.

LOVE THEM.

Two more people, fucked over by the horror show that is adoption, finally can begin to heal and put their shattered lives back together. Too bad for Heather that she has been treated so poorly by the state of New York all these years and this could have happend YEARS earlier. Think of all the wasted years when New York was telling Heather that her birth was "none of her business".

Fuckers.

But, YAY!!!!!!!!!!! Heather and her mom, together again, as they rightfully should be. I think I hear angels singing.

Or maybe my stomach is growling... ;) Ha.

Love ya, H! Congratulations, sweetie! You deserve this SO MUCH!!