Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Step it up, mom

First I want to apologize to my readers.

I closed my blog temporarily because I was not blogging, and didn't want any ambush comments from freaky weirdos popping up while I was not around.

But, I am back for now, hopefully I will be able to get around to writing more.

But I want to talk about first mothers.

Specifically, reunion and first mothers.

There is some debate out there about who's responsible for what when it comes to keeping the relationship going; adoptees should be more considerate of their mothers, mothers should be more considerate of their children, it goes on and on. Both sides want the validation we seek and deserve.

But I want to talk about MY mother.

We reunited in 1996. I found her, well I paid the agency to find her, so I initiated the reunion. It went well at first, then into the first year she cut all contact with me.

Called me up and just like that, told me she didn't have time for me in her life.

So, being the good little respectful adoptee, I obliged, and let her ignore me for the next decade. For over ten years I put up with this bullshit. And that's what it is BULLSHIT.

She was hiding, avoiding her feelings, avoiding her guilt, avoiding her shame. Avoiding ME so she didn't have to deal with it.

And where did that leave me...abandoned as an infant, abandoned again as an adult, while she played the victim? Now tell me, as an adoptee, how much of this do I really have to put up with? I think ten years is enough. And after a teeny tiny semi-re-reunion this year, she is back to ignoring me yet again.


Sorry, mother, but I am tired of being left with the emotional fallout for your inability to deal with the adoption. This was YOUR doing. Did I walk out of your vagina as an infant and put MYSELF up for adoption? I don't think so.

Grow up and take some goddamn responsibility. You could start by apologizing, a simple, "I'm sorry adoption has hurt you so much" would be nice, even if you thought it was the right thing to do back then, it has hurt ME and your actions since reunion have hurt ME.

If I bump into someone with my grocery cart, even though I didn't intend to hurt them, I at least say, "Oops I'm sorry," why can't our mothers apologize to us for the pain they caused us by giving us away?

6 wisecracks:

elizabeth said...

It seems once an abandoner always an abandoner is the rule rather than the exception.

I'm sorry, sending hugs xoxoxo

Being Me said...

Oh Lillie,
Pooh on adoption. I'm sorry your mom is mia. I am proud of you for stepping up. I wonder if you could send your mom a copy of this?


I'm really glad to have you back in blogland

L said...

I'm glad your back.
And wtf? She's ignoring you again?!!!
Dude, this is sooooo not you fault.

I want to make you some cookies and give you a hug.

Seriously, do you want some cookies? I'm making some this week. email me your address and I'll send you some.
I love you.

Anonymous said...


I am so glad you are back. I really missed your words and I am glad I can link to you blog again.

I wanted to say that I really liked the line about walking out of the vagina as an infant. I laughed when I read that because I imagined a little baby slinging a knapsack over his shoulder, tilting the brim of a cap, and saying peace mom I'm off to be adopted. If only babies were that savvy.

Anyway good to have you back

Being Me said...

And I am terrifically impressed with your blogroll (?). The way it's all organized showing recency of posting. Isn't recency a word? maybe I just don't know how to spell it.

Holly said...

I'm so sorry. Second rejections suck. Being chewed up & spit out over and over does a real number on us.
I loved your comment, "Did I walk out of your vagina as an infant and put MYSELF up for adoption?"
I think that would make an excellent SNL skit....can you imagine?

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