Adoption Sucks and I am Afraid of My Own Mother

I spent the better part of Tuesday writing, deleting, and rewriting the same damn email to my mother.

All I really want is to see her; but do you think I can bring myself to ask for that?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Riiiiiiiigggggggght.

I am an adoptee who is afraid of her own mother. Is that not the most pathetic, moronic, idiotic thing you've read in the adoption-blog land? I think it probably has to be, for me, and I am a bit ashamed of myself for even writing it.

It is so hard for me to even send her a simple email to say, Hey Ma, what are you doing for the 4th? Are you going to be around? Can we maybe get together, do lunch, take the kids to the zoo?

For most normal people, this would be second nature, they wouldn't even put any thought into typing the words and hitting send (or picking up the phone and asking) but for me, this is an agonizing process, sometimes taking WEEKS to compose the words, figuring out how to not make them sound too needy, or demanding, or if I'm asking too much of her too soon.

I obsess over this and go through our past emails and figure out who emailed who last, and how long ago, because I don't want to do too much, I do not want to rush things this time around. I over-analyze and calculate and when all is set and ready and looking just-so, I delete it.

I am so full of self-doubt and fear that this relationship could crumble that I sit back and do nothing. I am frozen. I don't trust myself, I don't trust HER, I don't trust this relationship.

And really, why should I? She walked away from me not once, but twice. The very first birthday we had together, the original one, I was left all alone in a sterile hospital, crying for my mother.

The next birthday we had together 24 years later, she left me again, calling me on the phone to tell me she doesn't have time for me in her life.

She tells me she loves me, but I have a hard time believing it. I just don't buy it. I WANT to believe it, I WANT to feel those words and know that what she says is true, but some part of me just doubts it to my core.

I don't trust her, and I don't trust us.

Not yet.

And with birthday number 35 coming up, will the cycle continue?

I want to ask her if we can spend some time together on or around that day. But that scares me more than anything. Will she turn me down? Walk away from me again? I think just being turned down will be more painful than not doing anything and sitting here longing for her.

And, god, I am all grown up and still longing for my mother like a little kid.

How screwed up is that.

Adoption sucks, and I am afraid of my mother. Afraid of losing her, again, for the third time. Because if it happens again, there will be no more chances, of that I am sure.

My Dinner with Mom

(Originally posted at Wordpress on 3/28/08)

So, I saw here Wednesday night for the first time in over ten years.

We went out for dinner, along with my Gran, and I spent most of the evening just taking it all in and listening to them talk. They spoke a lot about my father (Gran, as you may or may not know, is his mother) and about his circumstances before he died.

She was not surprised that my one meeting with him went well...of course she knew him in ways that my Gran and aunts did not, but she thought that all of his anger and hesitance in the beginning was more out of fear and nervousness. But it was a sad night to hear about the end of his life, how he had not wanted to be alive any more, and about all the ways he was literally trying to kill himself. Well, he succeeded, he was very sad and depressed, I hope he's in a happier place.

But seeing her again...wow. She hasn't changed much, but seems a lot more grounded than she was in 1996. I can tell she's grown. She is just very sweet and kind. She wants to start a new tradition for us all to take a week or weekend vacation together, up north by one of the lakes, get all the families together. And we are going to see each other again, probably next month. She still has to meet her grandchildren.

I am just kind of numb, really. I've been so cautious with her this time in case she pulls away again...keeping myself from getting too excited or from expecting anything from her. A huge part of me doesn't trust her, that she won't do that to me again, but I am slowly starting to allow myself to believe that she is genuine about our reunion this time. It's hard to feel secure; I am so afraid of being abandoned yet again. Is this just the adoptee in me, or what? I don't know. But, I am cautiously hopeful that this time is the real thing.

But, I saw her again! Yay!!!! I guess that in itself is pretty huge, for both of us. Keep your fingers crossed that this is a sign of things to come!