Friday, June 6, 2008

Would you Spy?

If you could spy on an adoptee, would you?

If it was the child you adopted, or the child you gave up for adoption...would you read their most private thoughts and feelings?

If you stumbled upon their blog, or perhaps a message board where that individual had been posting about adoption issues, feelings surrounding an upcoming reunion, feelings of abandonment or fear of rejection...would you read their words if you figured out that it was YOUR child posting it?

This has happened recently on AFC, and although the posting was placed on an area that is public, I am nonetheless a little pissed about it. That this adoptee's nmother found her postings and read them, then used it as an excuse to back out of a reunion visit, is...well...just pathetic.

Pathetic and really, really maddening.

She was spying, and if what she was reading was not sitting well, she should have said something to her daughter instead of just staying hidden and lurking in the background like some voyeur, then pulling away after all was said and done.

To use an adoptee's words and feelings against her like that is just spiteful, it is mean, it is hurtful.

After all, how is an adoptee supposed to EVER work through these adoption related issues? Where was she to go, if not to the adult adoptees support forum, to speak to other adoptees who understand the adoption and reunion feelings? Obviously her own MOTHER is not being supportive; no, she's too busy playing spy games and acting like a victim herself.

Adoptees as a whole were the ones who had absolutely NO SAY in any of this adoption bullshit. NO SAY in being give away, in who they were sent to live with, in what their lives were to become. We are the ones who are FORCED to live with it, FORCED to swallow the pain and the guilt and the shame of being cast out of our own families and being the band-aid for another, of shouldering that pain at the expense of never "Hurting" our adoptive family, and then holding back and being ever so cautious so we don't hurt or intrude on our original family if we do decide to try to reunite.


We walk on goddamn eggshells EVERYWHERE we go, so we don't hurt ANYONE, and when does ANYONE, EVER, consider OUR goddamn feelings? Huh?? WHEN???

I'll tell you...


And this is a prime example. This adoptee was posting in an adoptee support forum, trying to be mindful of her n-family because she didn't want to bring things up to them and "hurt" anyone, she was just trying to work through her fears and anxieties, and look what happens. She gets spied on by her own mother and she slams the door shut in her face, all because, I don't know, I guess this adoptee was wrong to want to work through her own feelings.

Fuck that.

If you have an adopted person in your life, it's about time you start giving them space to explore their feelings. Don't pry, don't SPY, and for god's sake, don't play the guilting games.

I'm sorry for what happened on AFC...and shame on that sneaky, deceitful n-mother for doing what she did. Shame, shame, shame.

Grow up.

6 wisecracks:

Suz Bednarz said...

Hmmm, spy? No.

But sadly I know many who have. I know moms (and adoptees) who made up fake IDS, pretended to be adoptees or moms and buddy up with their missing family members. How sad and powerless they must feel to resort to such measures?

Makes me feel ill. How does one ever expect to establish a modicum of trust?

That being said, I will admit I regularly view my daughters public photos sites - that she shared with me and gave me permission to view. But that is more like stalking...and she knows I do it.

Lillie said...

Hi Suz,

Yeah I suppose many members of the triad do have to resort to fake personas to try to find a way to be closer to their n-families...I'll admit I've even considered it from time to time.

I guess the context in which it was done in this case is what bothers me...not in the spirit of getting closer or trying to understand the other person, but to look for a way to sabotage the relationship and use it against her.

I just ge so defensive of my fellow adoptees :)

Suz Bednarz said...

Dont know details (and dont think I want to know). The situations I do know of are enough to make me run fast in the other direction.

Totally cool to be defensive. Someone has to stand up for us, no? I feel the same way about moms.

Hope your friend manages to find some sort of peace with what was done to her. Sad. Adoption has done enough damage to all of us. Terrible when one or both parties continue the beating.

Possum said...

This has all been such a damned mess.
I can't believe it all really.
But then I can.
Ya know.
Just one more happy-happy outcome of adoption.
Poss. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Lillie said...

I need to make a correction.

What I THOUGHT was the mother spying on the adoptee was really a so-called "friend" of the mother's who had been spying FOR the mother, and then reporting on what the adoptee was up to.

Still a very sad situation all around, and teaches us all a valuable lesson about posting anything personal (and identifying) on a public forum.

I'm just so sad that the adoptee was just trying to work through reunion angst and her mother was unable to see how hard all this is on us, and chose instead to take the defensive road and close down their reunion.

Not good, not good at all.

I hope this "friend" is happy with what she accomplished, she all but destroyed a budding reunion between mother and child.


Being Me said...

That is a sorry mess. I'm glad this is all I know about it. I feel faint. I'm not tricksy enough to ever do anything like that, as Joy would attest. unfortunately I can relate to the craving information. Fortunately Joy has allowed a great deal of openness. That mother's 'friend' is protecting the mother's weakness. Or is it sabotage?

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